OMFG!  WTF! A Romantic, Violent Comedy
by wingedmercury
Summary: NaruSaku, NaruSasu, SasuSaku- NaruSakuSasu?  OMFG! WTF! A romantic comedy starring various constellations of Team 7's star-crossed lovers.  Het, yaoi, a love triangle, a threesome?  You have been warned!  Much smexy-ness! Full summary inside!
1. Chapter 1: Pink Tigress

Hello friends! Ok, so I got stressed out. And instead of actually getting my shit done, or working on my magnum opus "Ain't Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me", I decided to work on this piece of crack. Oh lordy lord. Here's the complete summary:

OMFG! WTF!

a romantic, violent comedy

Summary: NaruSaku, NaruSasu, SasuSaku- NaruSakuSasu? OMFG! WTF! A romantic, violent comedy starring various constellations of Team 7's star-crossed lovers. Het, yaoi, a love triangle, a threesome? You have been warned! Much smexy-ness but **no** lemons! If you don't like yaoi or threesomes, don't read! If you like crack-tastic smexy-goodness, you're going to love this:) This is one continuous story, **not** a collection of one shots, and the craziness will build up- mark my words! Honestly, I think this fic is pretty tame, especially compared to what is out there, so I'm rating it a T.

OK! Enjoy!

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><p>Chapter One: Pink Tigress<p>

"Kakashi-sensei, I think I'm going to be sick." Sakura held her stomach.

"Hn." Sasuke looked away from the scene feigning disinterest.

"Now, now, children, don't be jealous just because your teammate is going to get some!"

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!" Much to Kakashi's relief, the pink-headed girl merely screamed his name and pulled out some of her pink locks, instead of moving to decapitate his own person. Nevertheless, Kakashi backed away from his former student very slowly and jumped onto a nearby tree limb to watch the scene unfold below him. Kakashi mused, _Things sure are interesting, now that Sasuke's returned after killing Orochimaru and Itachi, in that order. It's just like the old days now..._ Of course, instead of being team 7, they were team Kakashi; and instead of being immature brats, these three had had no trouble stealing his bells...and his porn...in that order. Kakashi sighed and turned his attention back to the hormonally driven teens below.

Naruto was sheepishly grinning- the ever oblivious blonde- while the hot young thing they had just rescued from a band of thieves began slowly closing the distance between the two.

"I don't know how I can ever repay you kind ninja!" The young maiden put a hand on her (very generous) heaving bosom and took a step closer to Naruto.

"Oh, it was nothing, really, dattebayo! I'm just glad we could help!"

"Surely, there must be _something_ I can give you!"

On the sidelines, Sakura's inner voice thought scathingly, _Like your virginity, you fucking whore! Ack!_ Instead, Sakura called to her teammate, "Come on Naruto, let's get going!"

Naruto turned towards the rescued woman and grinned, "Well, looks like we've got to get-"

Before he could finish his sentence, the girl kissed him full on the lips. Naruto's eyes glazed over like the proverbial sugary donut.

Sakura's eyes bugged out of her head.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow- the Uchiha's version of his eyes bugging out of his head.

Kakashi leaned back against the tree, enjoying the free movie.

The young maiden pulled her lips away from sucking out Naruto's soul via his mouth long enough to breathlessly ask, "Won't you come home with me?"

"Ummm-" But before Naruto could formulate a thought in his rather foggy head, his words were cut off-

"NARUUUUUTOOOO!"

Naruto looked up towards the loud voice and impending pink doom. "Ack! Gomen! Gomen! Bye nice lady! Have a nice life! Gah!" Naruto bid the fair damsel ado as he ran for his life, wishing that he had mastered the hiraishin like his father. Instead, he pumped chakra into his legs and prayed. _Kami, please, please help me- oh my fucking-_

"NARUTO! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"

"Sakura-chaaaan! Gomen! Gomen! GOMEN!"

"NARUUUUTOOOO!"

Naruto blinked and vaulted over another tree branch. "Sakura-chan, I didn't do anything wrong! She kissed me! I wasn't going to go home with her Sakura-chan, please, please don't be-"

His pleading was cut off by a volley of sharp projectiles thrown in his direction, and Sakura's voice shouting, "YOU FUCKING PERV! YOU ARE SO DEAD!"

"Kage bunshin no jutsu!"

Immediately, hundreds of Naruto's popped into being- Naruto hoped that he could exhaust his opponent before she reached the real him. His hopes were quickly dashed to the ground, however, as Sakura uprooted a large pine tree with her bare hands and swung it around like a club in a full circle, summarily destroying all the clones in one fell swoop, and hurtling the real Naruto's body into the stratosphere. As Naruto flew through the sky, he had an image in his mind of Sakura as a pink-haired, herculean, ogress. The amusing image was lost, however, as Naruto sailed into a nearby cliff-side. Too stunned to mold chakra, his flatten form began slipping down towards the dark abyss of the ravine-

"NARUTO!" Sakura charged up the cliff-side with chakra-enhanced feet and a gloved fist glowing with monstrous blue energy.

"EEEP!" Quickly, Naruto regained his senses and ran up the cliff and onto the plateau, looking for a good hiding spot. Silently, he made four shadow clones and surreptitiously hid himself inside a hollowed out old oak tree. Henging the tree to look whole, Naruto tried to still his heavy breathing. Already he could feel two of his clones had been dispersed by Sakura, and judging from the position they were in when they were destroyed, Naruto could tell Sakura wasn't far. _Shit, _our hero thought miserably, _I don't even know what I did wrong! I wasn't being pervy! I swear! That crazy girl just started sucking my face! Ack!_

Naruto felt the third clone vanish, and winced at how violently Sakura had destroyed it. Beads of sweat began to fall from his forehead.

_That's it, _he mused in despair, _I'm a dead man. _He could face down Akatsuki members, be fearless in the face of Orochimaru, but none of these enemies could hold a candle to the horror-inducing pink demon that was his teammate.

"NARUTOOOOO!" The fourth clone was gone, and now Naruto knew Sakura was right next to him-

Suddenly, the entire tree was uprooted and thrown into the ravine, the sound of wood splintering resounding in booming echos throughout the hillside. Naruto turned around, shaking, to see his red faced assailant, her right fist drawn back and aimed at his face-

Naruto ducked and hurled his weight at Sakura's legs, who promptly lost her balance and fell in an unceremonious heap, while Naruto made a mad dash for the forest.

Grinning, Sakura found wire in her weapons pouch and shouted, "Never turn your back on an opponent Naruto-kuuuuun!"

Naruto was momentarily bound and slumped to the ground. His only defense now was to beg for his life.

"Sakura-chan! Please, tell me what I did wrong! Whatever it is, I'm sorry! Dattebayo!"

Sakura ignored him, grabbed him by the back of his shirt collar, slung him up against a tree, and suspended the boy by said shirt collar by pinning a kunai through the fabric into the tree trunk. Sakura drew her face closer to Naruto's, her eyes narrowing menacingly.

Naruto's eyes were as big as saucers as he pleaded, "Sakura-chan! I'll do anything! Just please don't kill me-"

Naruto closed his eyes and winced as the impact hit him-

_wait...this feels nice. What the-_

Naruto opened a cautious eye and found that Sakura was violently kissing him. Naruto's mouth opened in an "o" of surprise, and Sakura took the opening to forcefully shove her tongue past his lips.

"Mrphfl! Ommmmfffggeee- dubyouteeeffff!" Naruto had trouble forming a coherent sentence with Sakura's pink tongue filling his mouth. Sakura pulled away momentarily and coyly asked, "Nani?"

"Sakura!" Naruto panted, "Omfg! WTF?"

"Shut up and enjoy it." Sakura kissed her captive hard on the mouth again, shoving her body against his and smashing Naruto between her person and the tree.

A while later, a victorious Sakura- with a prone Naruto thrown over her shoulder, his eyes reduced to little swirls- stormed back to where Kakashi and Sasuke had been waiting for them. Kakashi glanced up at them with a bemused cyclopic eye. Sakura reminded him of a pink tigress- and taking the metaphor further, Kakashi couldn't decide if having Naruto slung over her back made her look like either a tigress who was bearing her cub tenderly, or a predatory cat carrying her prey. Kakashi shuddered.

Sasuke coughed. "Hn. Wow. That was...special. I guess I missed a lot, being gone for three years..."

Kakashi choked on his own spit.

Sasuke continued, "So...are you two...a thing?"

Sakura punched Sasuke in the face and ignoring his question, replied sweetly, "Ok, let's head home!"

Sasuke rubbed his abused face and contemplated becoming a missing nin again...

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><p>lol, well, tell me what you think! Reviews are always appreciated:)<p> 


	2. Why You Should Never Get Hinata Drunk

Holy cow people! An hour after I posted my insanity, I got three reviews, and at the time of this posting, 8! OMG! I had no idea this was going to be so well loved. Extra special thanx to:

maxridelover eeep, my first review! eeep!

Echo Uchiha :)

Wings vs Fangs holy crap, that was the funniest review EVER. If I had been eating spaghetti at the time of reading that review, I would have had noodles coming out of my nose. ACK!

Chrysalis1986 don't worry, I'm sure sasuke will get a smack down soon:)

LadyTeldra WHAHAHA!

Demonkittee YOSH! EPIC-NECITY! lol, and thanks for correcting my spelling; I fucking suck at spelling.

hanika. starzone WINK:)

dazynl8 I'm the bomb-diggiest crack writer, fer reals! SCORE! You rock my socks!

LOL:)

In other news, my community/C2 **Elite Ninja Ink **has two new amazing staff members, **naash** and **NaruDeeds- **YOSH! Along with myself, **dazynl8**, and **Kanryu **we are assembling the the most bad-assed collection of fics ever to grace your eyeballs. Seriously, seems like every day one of us is adding another goody to the archive, so I invite you all to **SUBSCRIBE ** at **http: / www. fanfiction. net/community/Elite_Ninja_Ink/91686/** (take out all those extra spaces or follow the link near the top o my profile). And of course, feel free to PM me your recommendations for fics to add.

Also, there is a **PLAYLIST** in the works for this fic, it's called** "omfg"** and the link is up on my profile - or you can take out all the damn spaces in this link: http: / grooveshark. com /playlist/Omfg/52953463?src=5

Got a song request? BRING IT!

Ok, enough shameless plugging, boldly onwards!

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><p>Chapter 2<p>

Why You Should Never Get Hinata Drunk

Sasuke was not what you would call a people person. In fact, one might say he was downright socially retarded, and that taking him to a bar was suicidal, especially since Sasuke had just returned to the village a month ago and most people trusted him as far as they could throw him. Which wasn't far, since Sasuke was certainly not the cuddly type, and you'd have to get a fairly good grip on him to toss him, horse-shoe style, to prove how far his trustability went. Hn.

Yet here he was, sitting with Naruto at the bar, the blonde drunkenly sobbing into his shoulder.

"I just don't know what to do man- I mean, I _love_ Sakura-chan- I _love love_ her, but for Kami's sake, if I stay together with her much longer I'm going to fucking _die_."

"Hn." Sasuke nodded his head wisely.

"Teme! Is that all you can say at a time like this?" Sasuke's shirt was beginning to cling damply to his arm; it was most unpleasant.

Suddenly, an arm whapped Sasuke over the head, and an animal-like voice growled low and menacing. "Naruto, why did you bring this jerk here in the first place." It wasn't a question, it was a statement, and the Inuzuka proceeded to sniff Sasuke.

"God damn." Sasuke huffed and shoved Kiba's nose out of his face.

"Smells like trouble." Kiba grinned at his terrible joke and nodded for his teammates, Shino and Hinata, to come sit down in the booth. Akamaru settled in under the table, snuggling up against their legs.

Naruto grimaced up at Kiba and muttered, "Come on Kiba, can't you see I'm going through a hard enough time as it is? Sasuke, even though he is a bastard, is still my friend. See, he even let me drag him to a public place- he's not that terrible."

"Hn."

Hinata, blushing a becoming shade of rose, put her hand on Kiba's shoulder and sent him a warning glance. After all, if Naruto thought Sasuke was ok, that was all the reassurance she needed. She proceeded to tent her fingertips together and stuttered, "A-ah, N-naruto-kun, w-what's the m-matter?"

Her deep feelings of empathy overcame her shyness, and she looked directly into the blonde's sky-blue eyes that were currently misted over with tears.

"Ah. Well...I think I need some alcohol first before I tell the story all over again..."

Kiba grinned and gestured towards the bartender- "We'll take a round of sake over here, on me!"

"Aw, thanks Kiba-kun. You're a true pal." Naruto shot him a thankful look- since Sasuke-no-bastard had returned to team 7 again, they had only been assigned D-rank missions, and Gama-chan, his froggy wallet friend, was suffering for the lack of lucrative work.

"Ah- my father says I c-can't d-drink...but th-thanks a-any-"

"Oi, come on Hianta-chan, we have a friend in need here- you don't want to let Naruto down, do you? It's our duty as his comrades to get good and plastered with him!" Kiba bellowed this as he poured their drinks and shoved a cup in her direction.

Naruto moaned, "Come on Kiba, don't-"

Hinata waved her hands, "It's ok Naruto-kun! I-I w-want to h-help!" Hinata smiled shyly at her blonde hero and downed the cup of alcohol, her cheeks reddening.

"So, Naruto-kun, what's the matter?" Shino buzzed, concerned.

Naruto sighed and gulped his cup of sake. "Ah, well, thanks for coming over so fast on short notice guys. I know you just got back from a mission..." Naruto sighed again, and Hinata gave him a smile as she refilled his cup. "Ah, so I've been kind-of-sort-of seeing Sakura-chan-"

At this, Hinata spilled sake all over the counter, but our oblivious blonde didn't notice and blithely continued, "And at first, it was great! A dream come true! Ah, arigato Hinata-chan." Naruto took the cup and threw it back quickly before completing his thought, "But damn, if you thought Sakura was violent before we started dating- holy shit, that girl is down right abusive. Just look-"

Hinata hid her deepening blush behind her hand as Naruto pulled up his shirt, trying not to ogle Naruto's six pack- but her gaze soon became full of worry as her eyes met vicious looking bruises.

"She totally beat my ass yesterday and didn't even heal the damage!" Naruto moaned.

"That looks like your abs, not your ass..." Sasuke commented, sipping his sake and nearly choking when Naruto elbowed him in the ribs.

"Not funny, teme."

"Naruto, why don't you go to the hospital and get your bruises healed up?" Shino asked quietly.

"Because _she'll_ be there, and she'll just add to my misery," Naruto moaned, his head sinking down on the table.

"Come on dobe, what did you do to piss her off?"

"Teme! Why do you automatically assume _I_ did something _wrong_?"

"Tch. Because you always do something wrong."

"Sasuke! Stop being such a heartless bastard- Naruto's being abused by your teammate and you need to do something about it!" Kiba slammed his fists down on the table to punctuate the statement, which made Akamaru yelp from under the table.

Hinata put a worried hand on Kiba's shoulder while Shino droned, "Why don't you tell us the context in which the violence occurred Naruto, so that we can see the whole picture?"

Naruto held out his empty cup, and after Kiba refilled it he took a swig and groaned, "I'm telling you, I have no idea what I did wrong. She hits me for slurping my ramen too loudly. She kicks me for grinning like, quote, an idiot. She elbows me for getting over excited. Shit, she just beats on me for being me! WTF?"

Hinata sipped her beverage thoughtfully and replied, "Naruto-kun, she definitely sounds like an abusive girlfriend. You need to drop that like a hot potato." She tipped her cup, finishing her beverage, and continued, "You need to find someone else. Someone who will appreciate you. Someone who will accept you for who you are." _Hint, hint._

Kiba's eyes grew wide- whoah, when did his teammate gain the ability to formulate full sentences, without a stutter or a blush, to her blonde crush? His gaze swept from Hinata's grinning face to the cup of sake clenched in her fist. _Damn, I need to get Hinata drunk more often- this is awesome!_

Naruto, not being the brightest crayon in the box, scratched his head. "I don't get what potatoes have to do with all of this..."

Sasuke rolled his eyes, "She means you've got to dump Sakura."

"But she'll kill me!" Naruto pouted.

"Yeah, and if you stay with her?" Sasuke retorted.

"Um...she'll kill me..." Naruto moaned and slammed his forehead against the table. "Just kill me now and save me the trouble."

"With pleasure, dobe."

"TEME!"

"Hn. Dobe."

"Stop flirting you two!" Hinata cooed.

Naruto's head reeled back and looked at Hinata, appalled. "NANI?"  
>Hinata giggled behind her hand as the menfolk looked on at her in horror.<p>

"Ok, who are you and what have you done with Hinata-chan?" Naruto pointed a finger at her accusingly.

"Naruto, calm down, this is just what happens when Hinata gets drunk." Shino hummed and refilled his empty cup, the liquid sloshing over the sides and onto the wooden table.

"Wait! Wait! Hinata, that's a brilliant idea!" Kiba sputtered, slamming his cup down on the table and causing yet more sake to spill onto the counter. Hinata gave him a quizzical look until he explained, "We've just got to convince Sakura that Naruto is totally GAY!"

Hinata reeled back, appalled- "No! Nonononono, Kiba, no! Bad! Bad dog, no treat! I had a better plan!"

"Actually, Kiba, that's not a bad plan...then Sakura won't take it personally when he dumps her..."  
>"SHINO! NANI!" Hinata bellowed, pounding her sake cup down on the table top and breaking it neatly in two, "I have a better plan! Guys! Guys!"<p>

But it was too late, her idiotic teammates were already wrangling Naruto into the idea. Her dream of defeating that pink-haired slut with her gentle fist style (hohoho!) and winning over her blonde dreamboat were quickly slipping away from her. Hinata grabbed the sake and began to chug away her sorrows directly from the bottle.

"I should be the one to hook up with Naruto in front of Sakura- totally!" Kiba grinned and pointed a thumb towards himself.

"Hmmm, I think I would be able to give a more believable kiss-" Shino bumbled, but was interrupted by Hinata, "Shut the fuck up you idiots. I should be the one to kiss Naruto."

"No offense Hinata-chan, but you're a girl. That would defeat the point..." Kiba giggled.

"Oh yeah? Take this-" Hinata made the "ram" symbol and shouted, "Oiroke no Jutsu!" Poof! A cloud of smoke swirled around her, momentarily dispersing to reveal-

whoa mama-

hohoho!

Kiba and Shino passed out with nosebleeds- Naruto and Sasuke were gapping. Before them stood a hunky, muscled, hot man version of Hinata. It was somewhere in between looking like Neji- tall, dark, mysterious- and someone even more built, with a much more exuberant and violent personality. His (her) cheeks were flushed with alcohol, not shame, and Hinata leaned over the table and grabbed Naruto by the collar. "Come on Naruto-kun," he (she!) purred, "Let's go find Sakura and give her a show."

"Hinata! Hinata-chan! It's ok, really, OMFG!" Naruto wailed as he was unwillingly dragged away by his new gay lover. Sasuke trailed behind, half amused, half pissed off. Kiba and Shino were left in a drunken puddle of nosebleeds at the bar, Akamaru licking their faces with a whine.

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><p>oh no she didn't! oh yes she did! want more? <strong>REVIEW<strong> my pretties whahaha!


	3. Why You Should Never Ask Neji For Help

OMFG (har har), I can't believe how much you guys like my crack! Anyway, I had another stressful day, no need to go into gory details, suffice to say I needed to blow off some steam and work on this fic some more! LOL

News! The **playlist for this fic is now much more complete and BADASS!** Do check out my grooveshark playlist called "OMFG", the link is in my profile!

Also, I made a **facebook profile** for my fic-dom. Come and hang with me at

http: /www . facebook. com /people/Wings-Mercury/100002387011457 (you can either delete all the obnoxious spaces or find the link on my profile:)

Ok, I've got some ninja to thank!

**dazynl8** hee hee, "drop it like a hot potato" was a lyric from a really bad-ass blues song I heard on the radio the other day- isn't it just an amazing image? LOL!

**maxridelover** OY VEY for Hinata (read on and you'll see why...hee hee)

**Wings vs Fangs** I'M IN LOVE WITH YOUR SPLIT PERSONALITY BANTER! OMG!

**Demonkittee** hey, takes an epic-assed writer to know one! *WINK*

**hanika. starzone** lol, seriously, nothing is more fun than a drunk Hinata-chan!

**LadyTeldra** oh man, lol! Don't worry, I'm sure lee will make a youthful appearance sooner or later!

**pancakesrule**: heehee thanks:) Additionally, I also think pancakes rule:)

Ok, enough blah blah blah, enjoy my insanity!

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><p>Chapter 3<p>

Why You Should Never Ask Neji For Help

As they walked out into the sunshine, Hinata's new manly muscles almost sparkled in the light. Clad only in skin tight shorts that would make a professional wrestler blanch, she dragged Naruto behind her.

"Hinata-chan, please, this is wrong!"

Hinata huffed, "That will be 'Henry' to you. And why, pray tell, were you not putting up a fight when Shino and Kiba wanted to kiss you, but Kami forbid I-"

"Aw, because Shino and Kiba are totally gay for each other, and it was kind of funny- but this, this is just-"

Hinata picked him up by the collar and kissed him in the middle of the busy street. Pedestrians were gawking. Mothers covered their children's eyes. Sasuke's face got red.

"Hinata-"

"_Henry_, idiot."

"Ugh. Henry, what the-"

She shut him up again with another hard kiss on the lips, and after she was done indelicately sucking the soul out of his body via his bruised mouth, commenced to drag him over to the hospital where she knew Sakura was working.

"Hinata, stop kissing the dobe."

"The fuck Uchiha? Do I tell you what you should do with your life?" Hinata/Henry spat.

Naruto put his hands together to form a release from illusion, but unfortunately, no genjutsu was at work here. Bemoaning his fate to be abused and dragged around by hot, violent-tempered women, Naruto wailed, "HINATA-CHAAAAAAAAN! LET ME GO!"

Just then Neji turned the corner, and upon hearing his cousin's name being shouted by the village idiot, looked around for said cousin. "Naruto-moron, where is Hinata?"

"She's right-" Naruto began, but quickly silenced himself at Hinata's death glare.

Sasuke shook his head ruefully.

"Neji-san, Hinata is trying to force me to be her gay lover- HELP!" Naruto finally wailed.

"Nani?" Neji looked at the blonde incredulously, then glanced up at the manlier, sexier version of himself in the form of Henry. "Who the hell are you?"

"Um...oh shit fuck damn-"

"BYAKUGAN!" Neji looked right through the henge and wailed, "Oh fuck, Hinata-chan, did you get drunk AGAIN? That's the second time this week- what will happen when your father-"

"NEJI! Please, please don't tell my dad. Oh gods. NARUTO!" She raised her hand- the one holding Naruto by the collar- and screamed Naruto's name in his face.

Neji sighed and pulled out a kunai and poked Hinata's shoulder with the blunt side- all at once, the illusion disappeared, leaving a red faced Hinata in its wake.

"Now, you will tell me what the hell you're doing walking around like a gay male prostitute and drunk in the middle of the day." Neji crossed his arms and huffed at Hinata in a patronizing fashion.

"Well, you see Neji-saaaaaaaaaaaaaan, I'm trying to help Naruto-kun!"

"Then why, pray tell, is Naruto screaming for mercy?"

Hinata, who was still holding Naruto by the collar, blushed and countered, "Because Sakura is an abusive girlfriend, so I thought it was a good idea to try and convince Sakura that Naruto was gay...ummm..." Hinata let Naruto go and began to tent her fingertips together nervously.

"Hinata-chan, don't you remember when father and I sat you down and explained to you that alcohol was very, very bad for your judgement?"

"Hai, ni-san..."

"Now Hinata, don't you think Sakura would have seen through your henge and then kicked your ass?"

"Hai, ni-san..."

Neji pat his cousin on the head tenderly, "So I've decided to help you."

"You have, Neji ni-san!"

Neji nodded. "Not only will I not tell our father about your drunken debacles, but I will kiss Naruto in front of Sakura myself."  
>"NANI?" Both Hinata and Naruto screamed in unison.<p>

Sasuke faced palmed as Neji grabbed Naruto by his collar and resumed dragging him towards the hospital.

"Neji, Neji-kun, this is really, really NOT necessary!" Naruto moaned.

"Neji ni-san, please, I don't want you to kiss Naruto!" Hinata grimaced- if Neji kissed her crush, then it would make it some weird, interfamily kiss-a-thon, and that was just gross in Hinata's book. Plus, her alcohol buzz was wearing off and she was beginning to get a headache. This day was really starting to suck.

Neji nodded his head sagaciously, "Hinata-chan, I'm teaching you a lesson about what happens when you get drunk. And Naruto-kun, I'm getting you out of a bad, abusive relationship. Why all the complaining?"

"Neji, I've already kissed enough Hyuga's for one day!"

"NANI? You didn't like kissing me?" Hianta wailed.

"Well, um...I'm kind of straight..."  
>"AND I'M A GIRL!" Hinata started to cry piteously, big fat tears falling down her cheeks.<p>

Neji intoned, "See Hinata? This is what happens when you get drunk. You do stupid shit, you hook up with people, and then you pay for it. Oh you pay for it, when you sober up." Neji nodded approvingly, seeing that his lesson was already sinking in.

"NEJI NI-SAAAAAAAAAN! NARUUUTTOOO-KUUUUUN!"

"Hinata-chan! Wait!" Naruto freed himself from Neji's clutches and went to go comfort the weeping Hyuga. "Hinata-chan, please don't cry!"

"But-but y-you s-said you d-didn't l-like k-kissing m-me!" The poor girl was really sobering up now, with a stutter and a killer headache to prove it.

Just then, Neji shoved Naruto in the back, which caused him to collide with poor Hinata-chan. Their lips accidentally brushed each others, causing Hinata to blush furiously.

"Um..." Naruto mumbled awkwardly. Hinata gathered her resolve and kissed Naruto back, more gently than the time with "Henry". Naruto squeaked in surprise as Hinata took the opportunity to sneak a little tongue in-

"NAAAAAAAAAAAANIIIIII? NAAAAARUUUUUUTOOOOOOOO!"

Sakura was shaking with anger, her arm in Ino's. Apparently, she was just returning to the hospital from her lunch break when who should she run into but Naruto, with Hinata's tongue down his throat.

"Oh gods! Sakura! I can explain!" Naruto pulled away from Hinata and wailed.

"Then. Start. EXPLAINING!" Sakura roared, her pupils disappearing in her angry eyes.

"Um... well, you see... I...um..."

Neji stepped in between Naruto and Sakura. "Actually, Sakura, Naruto and I have something to tell you." Neji swooped in on Naruto and kissed him full on the mouth, then summarily grabbed his ass with one hand while running his other hand through the blonde's hair. Neji broke away from the stunned Uzumaki and turned to Sakura, stating cooly, "Naruto is gay."

"The FUCK! If Naruto is gay, why was he KISSING HINATA?"

"He was trying to prove that he was really straight, but it's not true. He's totally gay for me." Neji grabbed the blonde again- who at this point was in complete shell shock- and proceeded to choke the poor boy via his tongue.

"Ni-san! What the fuuuuuuuuuck!" Hinata began bawling again.

Neji pulled away from Naruto long enough to admonish, "Hinata-chan, language!"

"Neji, I wanted to kiss Naruto!" Hinata wailed.

"Neji, get your freakin paws off my boyfriend's fine ASS!" Sakura hollered.

Ino rolled her eyes and strode over to Sasuke, who had so far remained stoically silent. "Oi, Sasuke-kuuuuuun," she purred, "Why don't we leave these losers and go out for some drinks? I bet you're dying for a nice, heterosexual experience after witnessing this..."

"Hn." Sasuke began grinding his teeth. Ino smiled and leaned over seductively, trying to give Sasuke an eyeful of her abundant cleavage. However, the pale emo ninja refused to look her way, and instead insisted on watching the uber gay scene unfold between Neji and Naruto. At this point, Neji was decidedly fondling Naruto's ass some more, Hinata was hysterically crying, and Sakura looked like she was going to suffer an aneurysm.

Ino cooed, "Oh, come on Sasuke-kuuuuun-"

But Ino was unable to complete her sentence, because at that precise moment a barking Akamaru, a buzzing Shino, and a yowling Kiba all burst onto the scene.

"What the fuck Hyuga! We wanted to kiss Naruto first!" Kiba roared. Akamaru yipped in agreement with his master.

"That is correct. Neji-san, we most decidedly had first dibs on Naruto's fine piece of ass."

The piece of ass in question, Uzumaki Naruto, was in a semi-comatose state at this point and was unable to comment. Instead, Sakura bellowed, "The fuck?"

Neji, remaining cool and collected, without removing his wandering fingers from said ass replied, "I'm sorry, but you must be mistaken."

Kiba growled, "You fucking man-whore! Shino and I were totally planning on having a threesome with Naruto, I don't remember inviting you!"

"THE FUCK! YOU WERE GOING TO HAVE A THREESOME WITH MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND?" Sakura's face, at this point, was tomato red. If it wasn't so noisy, and if Ino weren't trying to not-so-subtly get into Sasuke's pants, she would have commented that Sakura's crimson face sooooo clashed with her pink hair.

But that is neither here-nor-there, because the next moment, Kiba ripped Naruto out of Neji's clutches and began fervently kissing him, Shino nodding approvingly while holding Neji at bay with a cloud of bugs.

"Oi, Sasuke-kuuuuuuuuun, quit grinding your teeth. Let's you and me go have some fun..." Ino oh-so-sneakily placed a delicate hand on Sasuke's firm ass. Finally, something snapped inside Sasuke's mind. He wasn't sure if it was the female hand on his bum, the loud noises of the ninja shouting in the street, or perhaps all the people fondling Naruto, but he had had quite enough.

"Get the fuck off me, Yamanaka." Sasuke hissed and smacked Ino's hand away from him, then strode forward into the middle of the fray. His teeth grinding turned into an all-out teeth gnashing as he smacked Kiba upside the head and pulled Naruto towards him.

First, he smacked the blonde awake; Naruto's swirly eyes blinked and focused on his rescuer. "Ah, arigato Sasuke...I thought I was going to die of molestation. My hero..." He replied woozily.

Kiba roared, "Hey, you dumb fuck, give that back!"

Shino buzzed in agreement, and Neji began screaming something incoherent from the middle of the bug cloud that he was currently trapped in. Sakura shouted, "YOU ARE ALL SO FUCKING DEAD YOU GAY LITTLE NINJAS!"

Everyone started screaming at once; Sasuke activated his sharingan and bellowed, "SHUT UP, EVERYONE."

Since Sasuke raising his voice above his customary stoic grimace was a rare occurrence, the shock of his rather ear-splitting tone shut everyone the-fuck-up.

Sasuke cleared his throat, "Everyone, fucking leave Naruto alone."

"I will not! He's my boyfriend!" Sakura screamed.

"No, he's most definitely our boyfriend now!" Kiba howled, Shino nodding in agreement.

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Hinata bawled.

"Gomen, Hinata-chan, but this is for your own good. I'm taking you to an AA meeting tonight-" Neji murmured.

Sasuke's eyes flashed a murderous shade of red, and then he smashed his lips down on Naruto's. Naruto's eyes glazed over again into little swirly swirls, and a ghastly hush descended on the crowd. Sasuke raised his head, hawk-like, and hissed, "If any one of you- _any_ one of you so much as touches Naruto, I will put you in a comma with a genjutsu from hell. He's _mine_ you fucking idiots. Now BACK OFF."

And they did- everyone backed away very, very slowly. Everyone, that is, except for Naruto, who was passed out in Sasuke's arms from the trauma of the event, and Ino, who was passed out with a pervy nosebleed.

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><p>XD alright kids, tell me what you think via that lil' blue button below:) Oh, and don't forget to check out my newly updated, "Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me" if you need more good reading:)<p> 


	4. Mother Fucking David Bowie Day

Holy cow! Thanks so much for all the reviews, subscriptions, favorites, and PM's! You guys really like this story, yosh! Anyway, I got my shit together and finally wrote another chapter! There is much humor, but there isn't too much smexy-ness in this chapter- I promise there will be more to come in future chapters:)

I just updated the playlist (link on my profile page) I think you guys will really like it! Feel free to check it out:)

Special thanks to:

hanika. starzone LOL yeah, gay lil' ninja's are so cute:)

Echo Uchiha :)

Wings vs Fangs You possibly write the best reviews in the world. Both of you!

FireStarDragon1019 don't worry, there will be more SasuNaru goodness in upcoming chapters!

LadyTeldra I just love the Lee idea- don't worry, he'll show up for Karaoke day, mark my words!

animegirl19962011 Why thank you!

Extra special thanks to **Demonkittee**- I dedicate this chapter to you, for you have shown me the light- mother fucking Bowie sensei! Seriously, you rule.

You all have seen that youtube parody where Kakashi Sensei is David Bowie, right? Holy crap it's funny. Check out ****Ninjabridge ****on youtube, the video BOWIE NO JUTSU~!. Oh man, I almost pissed myself watching it. Well, anyway-

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

Mother Fucking David Bowie Day

Team Kakashi trudged back to the village in sullen silence. Sakura wasn't sure, but she thought she could see Kakashi's face twitching under his mask; his hands, however, were definitely balled into angry fists. _Fuck me in the eye with a rusty fork, this day sucks._ Sakura thought this idly as she looked at her other two teammates from the corner of her eye: Sasuke was on her right, as far away as humanely possible from everyone else while still retaining formation, while Naruto was on the left, an almost palpable black cloud hovering above his head. And Sakura in the middle.

_Fucking damn it cock sucking fucking crap..._

Sakura's mind was a veritable mind-field of potty words; she felt bile rising in the back of her throat. It was bad enough that Naruto dumped her; of course, if he was really gay, as it seemed like he was- after all, most of the young male population of Konoha wanted to tap that trunk- of course she would support him. But to go all gigalo-man-slut on her ass, and then worst of all, end up with Sasuke? Once again, her teammates were leaving her behind. A tightly balled fist rose up to Sakura's face to wipe away angry tears. And now, those two _idiots_ were in a lover's spat, and of course, they had to _literally_ put Sakura in the middle of it. Talk about adding insult to injury. The more she thought about it, the more pissed off she became.

Just as the anger level was reaching an unbearable crescendo, and Sakura was about to give-a-piece-of-her-mind to the nearest tree via her chakra-enhanced fists, Kakashi suddenly stopped walking and spun around to face his former students. Sasuke stood still with a molten, "Hn," Sakura looked at Kakashi quizzically, her anger fading, but Naruto, completely enmeshed in his cloud of gloom, walked straight into their team captain. Kakashi rolled his cyclopic eye and gruffly pushed Naruto away; the boy merely shrugged and looked down at the ground.

"I don't know what the _fuck_ is going on with our team, but this last mission was a complete travesty." Kakashi placed his hands on his hips and glared before continuing, "For Kami's sake, this wasn't some S-class mission- this was a C-rank mission. C! That's one step ahead of D-ranked missions, like rescuing cats and castrating bulls."

"Oh gods Kakashi-senpai, please, please don't remind me of _that_ mission!" Sakura moaned and covered her eyes. In some ways, it really sucked having Sasuke back on their team- it seemed like the Hokage was extracting revenge on the recently returned rogue ninja by assigning the _whole team_ seriously crappy missions.

Ignoring her, Kakashi continued, "Our mission was simply to deliver a small package to the feudal lord- a porcelain tea-set from Tsunade-sama to celebrate his birthday. And you idiots nearly destroyed it in your brawl. Do you remember? Do you?"

Naruto stared harder at the ground; Sasuke just hn-ed. Sakura vaguely wondered when "hn" could be used in verb form, but instead of voicing this realization she cleared her throat and replied, "Kakashi-senpai, to be fair, I did stop the fight-"

"By almost destroying not only the gift, but the feudal palace! What the FUCK is wrong with you three?"

Sakura eyed her companions who remained silent. _No. I'm not going to clean this mess up for these __assholes. They are the ones who are fucking each other instead of fucking me. _Sakura blushed at the rather delicious images that popped into her head, but maintained her stoic silence. _Two can play at this game. You guys made your own bed, and now you have to fucking sleep in it._ More blushing ensued after that thought...

When no answer was forthcoming, Kakashi growled, "When we get back to Konoha, I'm subjecting you three to the worst punishment imaginable."

He glared at the three of them in stony silence for a minute, while Sakura's mind reeled with possible torture outcomes: more bull castration (ack!), nothing but lame-ass D-rank missions for the next month, a visit to Ibiki- but nothing prepared Sakura for the utter sadism Kakashi had in mind.

"We are going to a karaoke bar and you idiots are not only going to _watch_ me sing David Bowie, you are going to provide back-up. In front of all of your peers."

At this, Naruto's head snapped up and he howled, "DEAR GODS, NOT AGAIN!"

Sasuke's eyes got wide in horror.

Sakura face-palmed. "God damn it sensei, ever since you saw that retarded you-tube video with you pretending to be David Bowie, you've been singing his songs non-stop and dragging us to karaoke bars. GOD DAMN IT!" Sakura seethed, but knew that her protests were all in vain; after all, Tsunade-sama herself would probably enjoy and insist on the show/public humiliation. It would not be the first time.

_Damn fuck shit whore damn damn damn FUCK!_ Sakura's mind was a-whirl in gutter-speak.

"You're going to sing, you're going to perform, and you're going to like it damn it. Now shut up and let's get back to Ko-no-haaaaaaa!" Kakashi sang that last bit in his best imitation of David Bowie, causing a chorus of face-palming smacks to ring throughout the forest.

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><p>"And that, Lady Hokage, is our mission report." Kakashi finished his sentence and coughed lightly behind his fist.<p>

Tsunade raised an eyebrow and poured herself a glass of sake. After a long, pregnant pause, she thoughtfully sipped her wine and mused, "So. You almost destroyed not only my designer tea set and the feudal mansion, but Naruto called an important dignitary a douche-bag, Sasuke was startled by the lord's prized peacock and murdered it via shuriken, and Sakura...Sakura was the one who almost destroyed said palace and tea set. Hmmm." Tsunade took a long gulp of alcohol before stating, "I believe the punishment is most apt, Kakashi-san. But I would like to embellish."

Sakura gulped. What the fuck was there to _embellish_? Before she could ponder further, the Hokage gleefully continued, "Why perform only for a few ninja when you can perform for the WHOLE VILLAGE?" Tsunade smiled as the three younger ninja blanched; in contrast, Kakashi fisted the air and shouted, "Yosh! Ziggy Stardust, here we come!"

Giggling most evilly, Tsunade chortled, "We'll put out an open invitation if anyone else wants to join in the Karaoke fun, but you four will be headlining. I expect at least two hours of Bowie from you, team Kakashi. Ok, dismissed."

"But Tsunade-sama-"

"Granny Tsunade-"

"SHUT UP AND OBEY YOUR HOKAGE. DISMISSED."

Sakura and Naruto were summarily shut-up by Tsunade, and mouths agape, were pushed out of the office by Kakashi. Sasuke just followed silently, glowering.

"Ok team! Right! Let's go practice our songs- after all, we only have a few hours-"

"Sensei. Cut. The. Fake. Fucking. British. ACCENT!" Sasuke shouted that last bit, surprising his teammates with his terse yet forceful demand. Kakashi merely whopped him over the head and stated mildly, still utilizing his atrocious accent, "Unless, of course, you'd rather sing Brittney Spears songs for two hours- I've actually been practicing 'Hit Me Baby One More Time' in the shower because it's simply _brilliant_ and I wouldn't mind-"

"FOR KAMI'S SAKE, WE'LL JUST DO TWO HOURS OF BOWIE! OK!" Naruto wailed, flailing his arms around like a broken windmill. Sakura hit him in the arm, as his loud and rather obnoxious voice had just ruptured her fragile eardrums, and muttered, "Gah! Would you two morons just shut up? You're the ones who got us into this mess in the first place."

"Us? You're the one who practically decimated-"

"Naruto, I wouldn't have had to use force if you two weren't having a lover's spat!"

Sasuke blanched- "Lover's spat? The fuck?"

"The fuck you mean the fuck? You were having a charming lover's quarrel and it was getting on my nerves."

"That would imply that we were lovers..." Sasuke shot back dryly.

"Guys, can we not-" Naruto's sentence was broken by Sakura's rageful, "YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT LOVERS?"

Awkward silence.

Kakashi coughed oh-so politely and in his cheesy British accent chimed, "Can we bloody well put aside our differences and rehearse now?"

Ignoring him, Sakura continued, "So...Naruto? Are you gay for Sasuke or are you still into dating me?"

"Um..." Naruto turned a charming shade of purple.

"Sakura, touch Naruto and you're dead."

"I WAS DATING HIM FIRST EMO-ASS-WIPE!"

"Sakura, I will use force-"

"Sasuke, I'm going to fucking kill-"

"GUYS! STOP IT! STOP IT! I'M NOT DATING EITHER OF YOU! SO LET'S JUST SING SOME GAY ASS DAVID BOWIE SONGS AND STOP FIGHTING! GAH!"

More awkward silence.

Sakura finally stated, in a somewhat teary voice, "So...you're really breaking up with me...Naruto?"

"Dumb-ass, I told you Naruto's gay."

"Sasuke, shut the fuck up. I want to hear it from Naruto." Sakura turned to face her blonde teammate and spoke quietly, "It's ok if you're gay Naruto, I'll still be your friend no matter what."

"Um...Sakura?"

"Uh-huh?"

"I'm not gay. And I'm also not dating you anymore."

Especially awkward silence ensued.

Then-

"THE FUCK-"

Kakashi slapped Sakura in the face, cutting off her tirade, and murmured nonchalantly, "Children, now is not the time. We've got a concert tonight and we haven't practiced a single number. I swear, if we don't get to it now, I WILL have you singing girly pop songs, and I WILL have Naruto and Sasuke dress in drag, and I WILL have Sakura dress up like an uber slut, UNLESS you co-operate. Do I make myself clear."

"Yeeeeeeeees Sensei..." Chorused three, decidedly emo voices. Today was not a good mother fucking David Bowie day. Sakura muttered under her breath, "I'm going to need a lot of sake to complete this mission."

Sasuke hn-ed approvingly.

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><p>Tee-hee. I promise, smexy-ness and drunken-ness will happen in the next chapter! I'm hella busy for the next little bit, but I'll try to update in about a week! Feel free to shower me with love via a review:)<p>

If you need more reading, feel free to check out my other fic "Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me"- I've just updated that fic today, and it's like my favorite chapter so far (weeee!)

Much love! You guys rule!


	5. Chapter 5: One Gay Little Ninja

Well folks I'm really, really sorry it took me so long to update. I listened to Ziggy Stardust a few times and that helped to inspire me.

I can't thank you enough for all the super nice reviews and messages- I'm glad you like my insane lil' fic here:0 Special thanx to:

**FireStarDragon1019**: Lol, thanks! I swear, the NaruSasu is coming, but I totally got sidetracked again. My muses are insane.

**hanika. starzone** : I love Britteny. Some of her songs are so great. Is that wrong of me? *sighs*

**Blood of the Dawn** Poor Sakura; she really gets hit hard in this chapter!

**Wings vs Fangs** Hope you're having a happy fun time in italy!

**Echo Uchiha** :)

**Ninjakittee** omg, omg! best review EVER! I love you so much! *hands ninjakittee a kitty shaped cookie*

**keke. anngmail. com** lol! I don't know about Shika and Lee singing girly songs in their boxers...but Lee does have a lil' special moment in this chapter, all for you my dear! XD

**MidniteCurse4Eternity** Tee hee,, I'm so glad you like. You are the very best!

**dazynl8** YOSH! ZIGGY STARDUST! Lol, I think I did coin that monstrosity...!

Ok, I have got to give credit where credit is due:

My brother, who is a horrible stand up comic himself, made up the first two jokes you'll encounter in this fic. The last joke I got from http : / cellar. org /showthread. php? t=2408. Damn. It's a bad fucking joke.

Songs used in this fic:

-Lesbian Bar, Jonothan Richman and the Modern Lovers

-I Will, The Beatles

-Bang, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs

All these songs (and more!) are in the playlist I made for this fic- the link, again, is on my profile:)

Ok, enough blah blah blah, enjoy!

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><p>Chapter 5<p>

One Gay Little Ninja

Tsunade glared at her watch. The whole village was assembled in the main square, binging on alcohol; Shino and Kiba had just finished setting up the PA system; Ino had collected a list of citizens who wanted to open the festivities with their own acts. But-

"Where the fuck is team seven?" Tsunade cursed. If team Kakashi bailed out on their duties as Konoha karaoke shinobi, she was going to bust a gut- and it _certainly_ wasn't going to be her own.

"Shizune!" Tsunade spat, "Any word about our main act?"

Shizune swallowed hard, and Tonton squealed from the relative safety of her arms- "No m'lady. But why don't we start with some of the opening acts? I'm sure they'll be here soon-"

"They'd better be!" Tsunade growled and grabbed a bottle of sake, gulping directly from the bottle. She gestured towards Ino, who sped towards the stage and coughed delicately into the microphone.

"Helloooooooo Konohaaaaaa! Are you ready to hear some god-awful- I mean, really awesome- singing?"

The crowd erupted into a roar of "Hells yeah!" and "Yeeee-haws!"

Ino coughed politely and unfolded a piece of paper. "Actually, our first act is Yamato Taicho, and he'll be doing some stand up comedy! Let's give him a round of applause!"

There was a spattering of clapping as Yamato shuffled on stage. He cleared his throat and took hold of the microphone, which echoed with ear-splitting feedback. "So...how's everybody doing tonight?"

Save for a few snickers, there was dead silence. Yamato paled slightly and continued, "So yeah... stand up comedy is pretty hard, you know? I mean I know Deidara used to do a lot of stand-up in front of the Akatsuki when they had birthday parties and such...but he ended up bombing every time. Oh!" His terrible joke met with dead silence. Some asshole began handing out rotten tomatoes to the crowd, so Yamato sped towards his next joke, hoping to redeem himself.

"So...you know, I've got a friend who loves to get high. Anyone out there like to smoke the reefer? Marijuana cigarettes?"

From the crowd, Ino rolled her eyes; that's what old people called weed.

"Well, I got a friend who loves smoking grass _so much_, she went to Suna and committed adultery so she could get stoned. Oh!"

A multitude of groans pierced the silence and a few overripe tomatoes splattered dangerously close to our comedic hero. Yamato cleared his throat nervously and continued, "Ok folks, I've been saving the best one for last. A kid goes up to his father and says, 'Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?' His father says, 'No...how old?' He says, 'I'm eleven!' He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, 'Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?' She says, 'Come closer...' She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, 'You're eleven.' He says, 'How could you tell?' She says, 'I heard you tell your father.' Oh!"

This time, it rained bloody fruit from the heavens- "Boo! Fucking pervert! Get off the stage!"

By the time Yamato descended from the platform, he was completely covered in red goo. Ino met him at the bottom and handed him a stiff drink as she giggled behind her hands.

"Oi, Ino, did you think my jokes were funny?" Yamato asked hopefully, thinking her laugh was for him.

"Hey, Yamato Taicho, have you got wood or are you just happy to see me?" She asked coyly into the microphone.

The crowd broke out in hysterical laughter; Yamato sprouted a twig from his finger and muttered, confused, "Um...I'm happy to see you?"

That was the wrong answer- a hoard of fierce, tomato-wielding grandmothers suddenly tackled our hero. Ino sighed and ascended to the stage, leaving the dobe to his untimely demise.

"Don't worry everyone, Yamato Taicho is actually a good guy, you can trust him with your children, I swear, he just has an abysmal sense of humor. Ok, next up is Hinata Hyuga!"

The crowd cheered, but Hinata shouted, "Not yet Ino! I-I'm w-waiting for a sp-special s-someone to s-show up!" Ino rolled her eyes; obviously, she meant Naruto. The girl had been crushing on him forever, and given her latest let down by her long-time love, Ino assumed that Hinata wanted to sing him a cheesy love ballad or something. The problem was, no one else had signed up to do opening acts besides Yamato and Hinata. Ino sighed. "Ok, can I borrow a guitar?"

Choji came forward and reverently laid down said instrument by her feet. She purred, "Arigato Choji-kun!" She struck a few tentative chords and then began to croon, "Well I was dancing at a nightclub bar one friday night- oh ohhhhh- and that nightclub bar was a little uptight. Yeah I was dancing all alone feeling self-conscious, when some kids came up and said for dancing come with us!" Ino stopped strumming for a moment, and the crowd was enthralled with her dramatic pause- suddenly, she crashed back down on the guitar and sang loud and clear, "And soon I was dancing in the lesbian bar, uh-huh, uh-huh, yes I was dancing in the lesbian bar, uh-huh, uh-huh-"

The crowd went wild and started dancing to the classic Jonathan Richman tune. Shikamaru, though, stood still and muttered to Choji, "Nani? Is Ino a lesbian?"

Choji sighed, "I'm pretty sure that girl will fuck anything that moves so long as it's not fat..."

Shikamaru shook his head. "Don't worry Choji-kun, one day your luck will change..."

Ino finished up her song and the crowd went wild with applause. When it finally died down, Ino called into the microphone, "Hinata-chaaaaan, you ready yet?"

Hinata just shook her head. Kiba called, "Nope, he's not here yet."

Ino rolled her eyes. Being an MC was beginning to be such a drag, as Shikamaru would say! "So, Choji, can I impose upon you to play? Did everyone know that Choji is a damn good guitar player?"

The crowd cheered and Shikamaru pushed his friend up on stage and whispered something in Choji's ear, which made the rotund ninja blush. Ino shoved his guitar into his lap and smiled her most deadly, I'm-a-beautiful-female-and-you-can't-resist-me smile, and Choji sighed. He would do anything for this girl- he would defend her in battle, give his life for her- and sigh, even humiliate himself publicly for her. His love ran deep, Kami only knew why.

"Ah..." He mused into the microphone, "Here's an old favorite I've been working on...I'd like to dedicate it to my good friend, Ino-chan."

"Awwwwww!" Chorused the crowd.

Choji closed his eyes and began to strum and sing, "Who knows how long I've loved you, you know I love you still, will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to I will..." As he played the classic Beatles song, the crowd 'oooed' and 'awwwwed'. Everyone except for Ino, who turned bright red, as if she had been the one pelted with rotten tomatoes instead of Yamato Taicho. Damn, even a few girls threw a some roses up on stage to Choji as he finished the song, who blushed a becoming pink. He made his way off the stage very, very slowly, leaving a severely confused Ino in his wake, who stood there transfixed to the spot.

"Oi! Ino! Stop lollygagging and PUT ON THE NEXT ACT!" The belligerently drunk Hogake roared. She had arranged this spectacle for her own entertainment, and she was _going_ to be entertained damn it!

That snapped Ino out of her stupor- "H-hai, Tsunade-s-sama!" She looked out over the crowd and then began to laugh hysterically-

The crowd followed her gaze and followed suit, as there was Kakashi- dressed up like a masked David Bowie ninja- followed by Naruto and Sasuke, both dressed in drag. Sakura, being sensible, had not misbehaved and thus was dressed normally; however, she still blushed in embarrassment on account of her mentally challenged teammates. As the mocking laughter from the crowd continued, Sakura began thinking of ways to pummel and punish her teammates- _especially_ Kakashi-sensei for getting her into this mess in the first place.

But before the crowd could ogle the flaming ninja, Hinata "ahemed" into the microphone, and the crowd swiveled around to take in the sight. The Hyuga was dressed in black leather pants bound with laces on the side, and a tight leather corset top that was tied revealingly over her amble bosom. She appeared to be taller than usual, as her thigh-high patent leather boots had quite the platform. Normally shy and demure, Hinata had some seriously sexy gothic makeup on, and she _glared_ at the crowd for attention. There was a sound of multiple "thumps" from the crowd, as some unprepared males passed out from nosebleeds.

Behind her, Kiba strummed a few experimental chords on a red electric guitar, Shino clutched a black bass guitar, and Akamaru sat behind a drum set. Someone in the crowd muttered something about how talented those Inuzuka dogs could be, and Akamaru, who had overheard with his excellent hearing, yelped in delight at the compliment.

Hinata purred into the microphone, "So. I've joined AA. I have a problem with alcohol. But Neji-nii-san said I could have one last, glorious day. Drinking. Because there is no way I could do this if I weren't wasted. And then, I'm going sober." She nodded to the now somber crowd before continuing, "I'd like to dedicate this number to Naruto-chaaaaaan. I really loved you, you know that? Jerk."

Shino took that as his cue and started on the bass, a dark thumping rhythm, and then Kiba and Akamaru joined in. Hinata began to wail,

"_You aint a baby no more baby  
>You aint no bigger than before baby<br>I'll rub that cheap black off your lips baby  
>so take a swallow as i spit baby<em>

_As a Fuck son, you sucked, As a Fuck son, you sucked, AS A FUCK SON YOU SUCKED_!"

The crowd began dancing like a bunch of crazed, drunken fools to that glorious tune by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs- mostly because they _were_ a bunch of crazed, drunken fools. Neji smiled serenely; he was glad that Hinata was learning two lessons at once. One, you didn't have drunken pity sex with Naruto after he had so obviously dumped you earlier that day, just so he could prove he was heterosexual. Worst reason to fuck _ever_. Two, that alcohol was the devil's drink. It was a painful lesson for sure, but one that could only be learned by experience. Neji wiped away a tear- his little cousin was all grown up! And after today's festivities, he was going to commit testicular electrocution to a certain kyuubi container.

Next to him, Lee was crying passionately and grabbed Neji by the collar before shouting, "Oi! Neji! Your cousin and I have so much in common- I'm an alcoholic too! Oh! I am overcome with the passion of youth- yosh! I, too, will have my last alcoholic beverage today, and share the pain of what Hinata-chan is going through- YOSH!"

"Rock Lee, noooooooooo!" Neji wailed. But it was too late, for the green beast of Konoha had pushed Neji about ten feet away in his fit of, quote, "youthful passion", and was currently guzzling down an entire bottle of sake. Lee threw the bottle down and started to dance like an epileptic green gorilla, taking out a few innocents as he spasmed through the crowd until he was directly in front of the stage, flailing wildly. At one point he jumped ten feet in the air- as he landed, the crowd caught him, and he began to body surf. "You're amazing Hinata-chan! I'm in love!" The jolly-green-giant-ninja shouted from the top of the crowd.

Hinata smiled at him as the song ended and gestured for him to come up on stage. Thoughts began to circle in her head-_huh. A ninja who had to struggle to become strong. A somewhat naive but adorable and endearing ninja...who is straight, I'm pretty sure...yes, Shino tried to get into his pants at Kiba's birthday party last year and Lee politely declined. Kiba said Lee was just really gay for a straight guy. Yep. Definitely straight, unlike some assholes I know..._

As Hinata pondered, Lee leapt from Genma's shoulders where he had previously been body surfing, and landed woozily in a crouch on the stage. Hinata grabbed him by his collar and gave him a long, hot, open-mouthed kiss. There was much cheering and hoo-rahs. Neji began crying into Tenten's shoulder, something about the passion of youth, while Tenten just smiled knowingly and patted the drunken Hyuga's head.

At the back of the crowd, Naruto blushed a deep crimson under his pale pink foundation, and fidgeted on his 5-inch stilettos. This was no henge, unfortunately- Kakashi insisted that he and Sasuke, for being maladroit idiots, had to actually go _in drag_, to deepen the embarrassing punishment. Sakura turned to him and gave him a death glare.

"Naruto-chaaaaaan?"

Gods, this was so emasculating. "Hai, Sakura-chan?"

"You didn't...by any chance...have sex with...Hinata Hyuga?"

"Um..."

Sasuke rolled his eyes at this, but his eyelash extensions got in the way and stuck into his eyeball most painfully. He began tearing, which smudged his mascara, and he cursed profusely before he spoke up, "Naruto was trying to prove himself straight last week after I kissed him. He did, in fact, shtup Hinata."

Sakura shook with rage- "And why, pray tell, Naruto, **could you not prove yourself straight with me!**"

The crowd became deathly silent as team seven's argument grew louder and louder.

Naruto held his hands out, pleading, "Sakura-chan, wait, I can explain-"

"Ahem. Attention. Attention please." Hinata called, and the crowd abruptly turned towards her once again. She smiled prettily, her arm around a swooning Rock Lee, and almost sang, "Naruto is, decidedly, one gay little ninja. Trust me. I know. From personal experience."

And it was at this opportune time that Neji roared, "Naruto is a total jerk! He broke Hinata's heart! Let's get him!" The crowd hollered in agreement; Naruto's face paled...he wasn't sure how fast he could run in stilettos...

* * *

><p>Lol, poor Naruto-kun.<p>

Ok, I'm super busy getting ready for an art show, so I won't be able to update again till after June 4- sorry to make you wait!

But feel free to let me know what you think via a review:) And if you want more to read, I _did_ update my fic "Aint Nobody Who Can Sing Like Me" this week:) LOVE YOU ALL!


	6. What's the Ulgiest Part Of Your Body?

Thanks all so much for your kind reviews! Much, much love. Good news! I finally finished painting for my show! YOSH! Tis most youthful. So as promised, and even a bit early, an UPDATE! Oh, and **the song is the first track on the playlist for this fic (link in my profile!)** Enjoy my dears:)

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><p>Chapter 6<p>

What's The Ugliest Part of Your Body?

_What is the ugliest part of your body?_

_What is the ugliest part of your body?_

_Some say your nose, _

_Some say your toes,_

_But I think it's your mind!_

_I think it's your miiiiiiind!"_

~Frank Zappa

Kakashi moaned into his cup of sake, downing it in one go and slamming it back down on the table top. "It's just so unfair- Naruto ruined everything and we didn't get to sing one Bowie number. Not one! And I was really, _really_ looking forward to "Velvet Goldmine." We had a dance picked out and everything- and did you _see_ how adorable Sasuke-chan looked as a girl? Did you?" Kakashi grimaced and his forehead met the table with a "plunk."

Yamato nodded sympathetically; after all, his debut performance didn't go over too well either. "Hey Kakashi, maybe I can cheer you up with a joke-"

"Aw, _hells_ no-"

"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" Yamato smirked, ignoring his senpai.

"Um...blind?"

"No eye deer."

Kakashi groaned up from the table top and closed his single eye in horror.

"What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?"

"Ugh..."

"Still no eye deer!"

"Oh dear gods-"

"What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, having sex?"

"Rape? Twisted animal porn?"

"Still no fucking eye deer! Har har har!" Yamato laughed heartily at this, while Kakashi hid his head in his hands.

"Yamato?"

"Nani?"

"I would rather gauge out my own eye with a rusty spork than have to listen to your stand-up."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yep. Don't quit your day job..."

Yamato sighed; he supposed he should just focus on being a ninja and leave behind his lifelong dream of being a stand up comedian. He took a swig of alcohol from the bottle and ventured, "So, speaking of my day job...any news on when Naruto is getting out of the hospital? It's high time we went on a mission."

If it were even possible, Kakashi's face became even more crestfallen. "I think Naruto gets released today...but to tell you the truth, our teamwork is so lousy, I doubt we'd even be able to locate lost cats at this rate." Kakashi sat up and shook his head worryingly. "I don't know what to do."

Yamato nodded sagely and chugged more sake. "Maybe some sort of team building exercise?" He offered the suggestion hopefully, envisioning placing the three teammates in a wooden cage and poking at them with a stick.

Kakashi played with the frayed ends of his mask and nodded slowly. "Hum...team building...yosh! I have just the thing!"

"Does it involve a cage, a feral tiger, and a cattle prod?"

Kakashi looked at him blearily. "Is this another joke?"

"Um...I was being serious, actually..."

Kakashi shook his head. "No. It involves three bells."

"What...you mean...aw, Kakashi, you are _so_ uncreative!"

"You're just mad. If I throw in a feral tiger, would you be appeased?"

"Hai, Sempai! You're the best!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile...<p>

"Iruka-sensei, please, I don't think it was an act of homophobia..." Tsunade rolled her eyes as she escorted Iruka to Naruto's hospital room.

"Hokage-sama, I have to differ. This is obviously a hate crime. Why else would anyone touch a hair on poor Naruto's head?"

"Because the kid is a slut. No one cares that he's a gay slut. They just mind that he's not sleeping with them. Ah, this is too complicated." Tsunade opened the door and gestured for Iruka to enter. "Just take him out for ramen and explain the birds and the bees...er, the birds and the birds, to the dobe. I can't deal with it anymore. Oh, and tell Shizune I went to go catch happy hour if she comes looking for me..."

Before Iruka could protest, the Hokage had left and Iruka was left with one sulky teenager glowering in his hospital bed.

Iruka strode over slowly and put an arm around Naruto. "Naruto-kun," he began in a fatherly voice, "I know the other kids hate you for being gay. But I'm here to tell you it's ok to be gay."

"Iruka-sensei, I'm not gay."

"Naruto, it's ok to be gay! It's perfectly natural! I mean, there are plenty of men in this village who are homosexual. In fact, I think it's time for me to tell you that _I'm_ gay, Naruto-kun."

Naruto's eyes got wide and he politely shrugged off Iruka's arm. "Sensei, please don't tell me that you're gay for me. If I hear one more fucking ninja telling me that want to tap my fine ass-"

"No! No! Nonononononono! Naruto, I'm not hitting on you! I'm trying to tell you it's ok to be gay!"

"Would you stop rhyming, it's so...fruity. Ugh. I'm not gay sensei."

"Of course you are-"

"NO, I'M NOT. I'M BISEXUAL! GAH!"

"Oh. Well, I guess that's like, um, 50% gay."

Naruto grimaced.

"What I'm trying to say is, Naruto, that you shouldn't be ashamed of who you are. I think it's absolutely revolting that you were the victim of a hate crime, and I wanted to ask you if you'd help me arrange Konoha's very first gay pride day parade."

Naruto sighed. "I would be more than happy to help you plan a gay pride day parade- hells, even _Suna_ has their own parade, ever since Gaara came out of the closet- but what I'm trying to tell you is that Sakura, Hinata, and company didn't commit unspeakable acts of violence against me just because of my sexual orientation." Dramatic pause. "They did it because I broke up with Sakura, hooked up with Sasuke, tried to prove myself straight by banging Hinata...and then dumped Hinata...yeah."

Iruka's mouth was gaping wide in horror. "Naruto! You didn't!"

Naruto hung his head in shame. "I did."

Iruka shook his head and patted Naruto on the back. "Well...being a teenager is confusing Naruto-kun. Let's say you and me get some ramen- my treat. Eat as much as you want..." _Poor Naruto..._

"Really sensei! Awesome!" And with that, the exuberant teen led Iruka away by his hand, and Iruka spared a mournful thought for his soon-to-be-empty wallet. _Poor wallet..._

Naruto ate 5 bowls of extra large Ichiraku specials; Iruka was beginning to think that Naruto was faking the funk earlier just to get a free lunch. _No matter...it's time Naruto got that special talk. It's high time in fact._ Iruka cleared his throat and began, "Now Naruto, you always want to make sure you use protection with your partner when you're...you know, _intimate."_

Naruto choked on his noodles a bit; when he recovered, he looked at his sensei incredulously. Iruka broke in hastily, "Now I know what you're saying, but yes, you need to wear protection _even_ and _especially_ if you're with a man. There are all kinds of diseases that can turn your genitals into Kentucky fried chicken, so it's best to always be prepared-"

Naruto cut him off with a solid minute of spastic coughing. When he finally regained control of his windpipe, he muttered, "Sensei! Sheesh! I'm trying to eat here for Kami's sake, please, no more talk about the horrible things that can happen to my genitals if I use them for recreational purposes. Ack!"

Iruka sweat dropped. "Gomen, gomen Naruto-kun, but you're like a little brother to me, and I want to make sure you get _that talk._"

Naruto thought, _thank god, he thinks of me as a little brother. He really isn't trying to get into my pants. _But instead, he replied coolly, "Arigato Iruka-sensei, but Ero-sennin already gave me the so-called "talk", so yeah. The bases are covered! I understand! Safe sex! But gah, let me tell you, there is no such thing as truly safe sex. Believe me. Someone gets hurt, then someone else gets murdered. I think I rather fight someone to the death at this point than fuck them." Naruto grimaced and slammed his head down on the ramen counter.

Iruka frowned; it seemed he was doing a shit job of making Naruto feel better. "Listen Naruto-kun, if you want to talk about what happened- if you need any help at all, I'm always here for you buddy."

Naruto sighed. "Thanks sensei." He meant it too. Thank god he still had one friend left in this wide, cruel world. He poked at the remains of his noodles and sighed, "I think it's time I met up with my team. I got a message this morning that we were going to do some kind of special training and all...anyway, I'll catch you later! Thanks again for the grub!"

"Anytime Naruto-kun, my pleasure! Give my regards to honey-buns- er, I mean Kakashi!"

Naruto stopped dead in his tracks.

"Yep. Going to ignore that last comment. Later!"

Iruka grinned sheepishly. "Hai, later alligator!"

Naruto rolled his eyes and sauntered off towards the bridge. The last thing he wanted to think about was his two senseis being, cough, "intimate" with each other. Gah. Someone needed to apply steel wool and detergent to his marred psyche, he had a feeling it had been deeply soiled this morning.

* * *

><p>Sakura looked down at the water below the old bridge. She was wishing she was a rock, or a fish, or even just a teeny tiny droplet of water. Seriously, anything was better than this. Next to her, Sasuke radiated annoyance. She hadn't even bothered to talk to the jerk.<p>

She had decided, all those weeks ago, to give up on Sasuke's emo ass and date Naruto. It wasn't like she was totally over Sasuke or anything, but she just decided that enough was enough. _I mean, how __much abuse can one girl take?_ Sakura thought glumly. But things with Naruto hadn't worked out as planned; first he's gay for Sasuke, then he's proving himself straight with someone who was decidedly _not_ Sakura- sheesh. What a mess. Was her forehead that large that Naruto would go running from it? Was she that frigid in the sack? Sakura sighed.

Maybe she wasn't over Sasuke...?

And on that note-

"Um...hey Sasuke-kun?"

"Hn?"

"Can I ask you a question? A personal question?"

Sasuke squinted at her; she took this as a yes.

"Are you gay, just gay for Naruto, or bisexual?"

"Tch. Why do you want to know?"

"Just curious. That's all."

"Hn." Sasuke turned away from her and stared pointedly at the ground.

"Oh well, I guess you're not interested in getting revenge then." She replied, oh-so-nonchalant.

_Hahaha, you won't be able to resist that line, you little fucker..._

Sasuke, as predicted, raised an eyebrow. "What'd you say?"

Sakura shrugged her shoulders casually. "Well, I thought you might be interested in getting revenge on Naruto-kun, but I guess I was wrong. Oh well."

Sasuke stood and faced Sakura. "I like revenge. Hn. What's your plan?"

Sakura grinned up at him coyly. "First, answer the question- gay, bi, or straight? Oh yeah, or straight but just gay for Naruto..."

Sasuke pursed his lips. "I'd say a little bit straight but mostly gay, and especially gay for Naruto."

Sakura was somewhat taken aback by his extremely candid answer, but schooled her features to remain smooth. "Good. Here's the plan- Naruto's coming this way. Kiss me hard, give me a hickey, and if you're adventurous, feel me up."

Sasuke's eyebrows lifted in confusion, but he caught her drift after a moment.

"Hn."

Without further ado, he gently pushed her up against the side of the bridge and proceeded to do just that. Sakura moaned; Sasuke assumed it was fake. He trailed his mouth down the side of her neck and proceeded to give her a vampire-esque hickey. Sakura giggled, "That tickles, Sasuke-kuuuuuun!"

It was at this moment that Naruto looked up from the ground and up at his teammates: Sasuke's hand was up Sakura's shirt, she had a love-bite-bruise the size of a small plum on her neck, and they were...um...let's just say, "engaged" in acts of carnal desire.

Naruto paled and turned around. "Um, guys..."

"Oh, Sasuke-kun, harder!"

"Hn."

_Damn it Uchiha! Can't you be a little bit more smexy when you have your hand on my boob! Fucking "hn" indeed. We'll see who gets the last laugh!_ Sakura grinned evilly as her hand trailed down Sasuke's waist and then fingered the zipper to his fly. A groan was released from his lips, and she pressed herself closer to Sasuke.

_Sakura one, Sasuke, zero. Cha!_

At this point, Naruto was grinding his teeth and blushing profusely. "Um, guys?"

"Oh Sakura-chan, that's fucking hot!"

"Say my name again!"

"Sakura!"

"Louder!"

"Sakura-chan!"

"Guys! Holy shit, get a fucking room-"

"Well hello students. I see some of us are getting along quite well today." Kakashi leered down from the top of the bridge at the couple. Yamato stood stiffly by Naruto, one hand covering his own eyes, the other hand covering Naruto's eyes.

"Thank Kami you're here Kakashi!" Naruto wailed. Because this little make-out fiasco was just the kind of thing Naruto was trying to avoid these past few weeks- having sexual relationships within a team just made things hella awkward and excluded the proverbial "third wheel" from the group. _Damn it._ Naruto really felt like shit now.

Sakura reluctantly pushed herself away from her make-out partner; Sasuke tried in vain to hide his stiffy. Sakura thought, bemused, _Mostly gay and a little straight, hey? I don't think so...ha ha ha._

"Ok. Now that that's sorted out, time to start our training exercise!" Kakashi sang this last bit David Bowie style, causing his compatriots to face-palm simultaneously. Blithely ignoring them, Kakashi continued, "This will be a special team building exercise-"

"Oh dear gods no! Can't we just rescue some treed cats?" Sakura wailed.

"I'd rather castrate bulls." Sasuke replied dryly.

"Ugh." Naruto moaned and hung his head. Could his day get any worse? The answer: oh yes, it could get a hell of a lot worse. Starting...now.

"Oh shut up trolls. You totally _ruined_ my debut of David Bowie Karaoke night, the least you can do is humor me. Not that you have any choice though. The Hokage signed off on this one, this exercise is man-da-to-ry!" He sang blithely.

The three so-called trolls moaned; they all thought something along the lines of _that bitch-good-fer-nothing-Hokage grrrrr._

"So then!" Kakashi called oh-so-sweetly, "Let's make our way to the forest of death!"

*dah dah dah!*

Naruto eyed captain Yamato. "Spare me the dramatic 'dah dah dah' Yamato taicho. That wasn't funny."

Yamato grinned predatorily, "Oh but Naruto-kuuuuuuun, this is going to be so much fun- just you wait!" Yamato grabbed the blonde ninja's hand and began dragging him towards his impending doom; Sasuke and Sakura shuffled close behind. All too soon, they reached the gates of the forest of death, the setting for their chunin exam all those many years ago.

Kakashi cleared his throat. "The rules are simple my dears. Observe." Kakashi drew out three bells; one was pink, another was black, and the third was orange. "You each get your own, special, color-coded bell. This bell must be worn on your person, on the _outside_ of the garment of your choice. The object is to retain your own bell and arrive at the central tower in three days. You do that, you win. However, to spice it up, if you manage to steal one of the other bells, you get to specify who that person dates."

"The fuck?" The three younger ninja asked incredulously, in outraged synchronicity yet again.

"Allow me to explain Kakashi-sempai. For example, if Naruto manages to maintain his own bell while also stealing Sakura's bell, he can then tell her that she has to date him, or that she has to keep a 50 foot distance at all times from his person, or that she must date Rock Lee, if he so chooses."

"That's fucking retarded." Sasuke mumbled.

"Please, Sasuke-kun, that is so not p-c. Now then, any questions?"

"Do we have to do this?" Naruto moaned.

"Yes. Any more questions?"

Sasuke raised his hand. "What if, say, I have Sakura's bell, but I've lost my bell to Naruto?"

Kakashi nodded, "Then Naruto gets to dictate whom you both date."

"Oh crap." Naruto's eyes bulged. This was going to suck.

"Now then, you'll all be entering through different gates. Naruto, you come with me, Sakura, you go with Yamato, and Sasuke, you go ahead with Yamato's wood clone." Yamato made some hand signs and a clone metastasized from his side. "Oh, and one more thing- there will be some extra special surprises once you make it out into the forest. You've been warned."

Naruto squeezed his eyes shut; this was definitely much, much worse than singing David Bowie Karaoke in drag.

"God, you look so ugly when you do that dobe." Sasuke called over to his blonde teammate, "Quit scrunching your eyes like that."

"Oi. Well, you look ugly even when you're not doing anything to your face, ass-wipe."

"Guys! You're both fucking ugly. Now shut up and march to your proper door." Sakura shrieked at the two idiots.

"Hey, I wouldn't be talking with a forehead like that. Hn." Sasuke replied dryly.

"Fuck you duck-butt-munch! You didn't think I was that bad looking when you were sucking my face!"

"I had my eyes closed."

"God damn you Uchiha!"

"Children, children. Save the what's-the-ugliest-part-of-your-body talk and rabble rousing for inside the forest. Ok you two, see you in three days! Have a fun time! Don't forget to take a bath once in a while! Ok, Naruto, buck up, let's gooooooooo!"

In the distance, a lone figure was running towards them. Kakashi noticed who it was out of the corner of his eye, but did not comment. _Well that's interesting..._

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><p>Well kids, I'll also be updating <strong>aint nobody who can sing like me<strong> in a matter of moments, so if you are starved for more reading material...:) Anyways, hope the wait was worth the chapter- please review my dears!_  
><em>


	7. Chapter 7: Forest O Death

Oh my goodness, oh my goodness. It seems I just didn't update this for the longest time, GOMEN.

First off, thanks for all yer rad reviews! Y'all rock my world! YOSH ZIGGY STARDUST, HUH!

Second off, I'm getting to be pretty busy right now, so I'll only be updating one to two fics at a time per week, max. I know, I really shouldn't have started writing 4 fics at once, I'm insane. I was trying to figure out what to update, and my poll on my profile said y'all wanted this story. So here it is! I'll hopefully be able to update again within a month:)

The song, "Willie the Pimp", is an epic Zappa ballad, and it is on the playlist for this fic (check out my profile for the link)

* * *

><p>Chapter 7<p>

**Forest O Death**

"_I'm a little pimp with my hair gassed back  
>Pair a khaki pants with my shoe shined black<br>Got a little lady ... walk the street  
>Tellin' all the boy that she can't be beat<br>Twenny dollah bill ( I can set you straight )  
>Meet me onna corner boy'n don't be late<br>Man in a suit with a bow-tie neck  
>Wanna buy a grunt with a third party check<br>Standin' onna porch of the Lido Hotel  
>Floozies in the lobby love the way I sell:<em>

HOT MEET  
>HOT RATS<br>HOT ZITZ  
>HOT WRISTS<br>HOT RITZ  
>HOT ROOTS<br>HOT SOOTS"

_~Frank Zappa, "Willie The Pimp"_

"Have a nice time, Sakura-chan!" Yamato-taicho called out in a sugary sweet voice as he locked the gate behind her.

"Go fuck yerself, Yamato!" Sakura called back in an equally syrupy voice. As she stomped into the forest, she could hear Yamato curse to himself in a most grumpy manner, but she could not be bothered to care. Man was she pissed as hell!

In fact, Sakura could not remember a time when she had been more p-o'd. The time when Naruto drank too much at Sasuke's birthday party and puked all over her new, red designer heels didn't even come close. Or the time when Sakura had cried when she stubbed her toe on the curb and Sasuke asked her if she was having her period that day (she was, but that was beside the point). Not even the time when Kakashi had gotten drunk and asked her, in a surprised voice, if her boobs had gotten bigger or if she was just wearing a push-up bra (in fact, she had been wearing a push up bra, but again, that was beside the point damn it). Oh, she had been hella mad all those times, and her fists went flying into the thick skulls of her male compatriots, but none of those times compared to right now. Not even remotely.

In fact, if you could take all the times Sakura was rip-roaring angry and you turned it into liquid, you could fill up an olympic sized swimming pool with it; yes, and this swimming pool would be so ginormous, it would take you a good 25 minutes just to do one lap. However, this theoretical pool of consternation wouldn't even come close to the amount of rage she was feeling in her gut right now.

"Damn Naruto! Damn Sasuke! Damn Kakashi-sensei and Yamato-taicho! Why am I surrounded by chauvinistic, mentally deficient, belligerently rude men? Why?" Sakura kicked a rock, which went flying a hundred yards and created a large crater upon impact with a tree. Sakura stuffed her hands deep down into her pockets and continued her soliloquy, "I mean, Sasuke has always treated me like shit. I've come to expect that kind of behavior from him. But Naruto-kun? The baka has always said he's been in love with me, and now he can't decide if he's gay or if he wants to bang Hinata. Gah. Insufferable!" Sakura side kicked another rock, which hurtled into a boulder, causing it to shatter in a million of teeny tiny pieces.

Sakura sighed and looked up at the dense canopy of trees above her head. "Well, I guess this is no time for complaining. I should be planing my next move." A bird above her chirped in agreement. Sakura sighed again and sat beneath a large pine tree, a thick blanket of pine needles at its base providing a comfortable place to plot. "So...the question is, first and foremost, where should I hide my bell?" Sakura mused for a moment, then smiled cheekily. _Outside of a garment, huh?_ She reached inside of her shirt and pinned the pink bell to the outside of her bra, its contour hidden from within its hiding place under the swell of her breast. The bird above her squawked in approval and Sakura nodded in agreement with the feathered fowl.

"Next order of business- whose bell should I pilfer first?" In truth, it would be nice to get Sasuke's bell. She was tired of all the bullshit she had gone through this week from Naruto, and if she was honest with herself, the make-out session this morning with Sasuke was fucking _hot._ She thought warmly, _Gods, he could make me moan just by touching my boob. I wonder what he could make me do if we...hee hee..._ Sakura tittered at that thought, but then sighed.

"Unfortunately, Sasuke is a lot harder to fight than Naruto. Sasuke fights to win, he's cold and heartless as an opponent, and he would never let _me_ trick him into getting his bell. Naruto, yes, but me, no, not so much. Hmmm. Really, the only match for Sasuke is Naruto. My best plan would be to wait until Naruto steals Sasuke's bell and then swoop in..." Sakura thought for a moment then shook her head no. "Nah, Naruto will never steal Sasuke's bell. He's too much of a pansy. I suppose I should try to steal Naruto's bell then?"

If she managed to sneak away with Naruto's bell...then she could tell him he _had_ to date her...but where would the fun be in that? Sakura sighed wearily. She had truly enjoyed the week or so of dating Naruto. He had been so darn _cute_ and _shy_ and _submissive_ around her. And he'd been a pretty good kisser...but then, Sakura's feelings of anger returned, ruining her happy recollections. Damn it, why did he have to go and sleep with Hinata? It was so unfair that he'd lost his virginity to someone else while he was still quasi-dating her! Blarg! Men!

"Gah, who am I fooling. I should just go ahead and steal Naruto's bell because it's easy, and then I'll decide what to do with him once I complete said mission!" She would have plenty of time to plot his demise after she possessed his orange bell. With newfound determination, our heroine rose to her feet and dusted the pine needles off of her rear. She pumped chakra into her legs and began to search for her blonde teammate's chakra. As she searched, her thoughts turned back again to her week of fun with Naruto and she found herself sighing again. "You know," she muttered under her breath, "I really wouldn't mind making out with Naruto-kun again. He's gotten so buff from all the training, and he's soft and sweet- unlike some _other_ teammates I know of." And then, Sakura's thoughts switched to Sasuke, and her face got red thinking about how her hands had brushed his erection this morning.

At this, Sakura stopped dead in her tracks as she realized the ugly, horrifying truth.

"Oh shit. I think...I think I actually kind of like both of them."

She facepalmed.

"Gods, I'm totally doomed. I'm in love with an idiot and a bastard."

Just then, she heard a noise, and hid herself and her chakra signature behind a tree. Who should be rushing through the forest than Uchiha Sasuke himself; the expression on his face looked like he had just swallowed a turd, and he was so distracted with his own internal monologue, he didn't even take note of his concealed, pink-headed teammate. Seeing him so perturbed, suddenly, a plan materialized inside of Sakura's head. "_Shannaro! I'll totally touch Sasuke's balls- er, I mean, finger his bell- um, I mean STEAL HIS BELL! I can do it!"_ And with that thought, she henged into Naruto's form.

* * *

><p>"Kakashi-sensei, this is the worst idea you've probably ever had."<p>

"Oi, and if by 'worst', you mean, 'best thing since sliced toast and jam', then yes, this is totally the best idea I've ever had."

"Kakashi-sensei?"

"Hum?"

"I hate you. You are going to pay for this."

Kakashi rolled his eye and summarily shoved Naruto through the gate, hastily locking it behind him. "Have fun troll! See you in a few days!"

Naruto grumbled a series of colorful curses before he took off through the Forest of Death, making a straight B-line for the tower. Kakashi chuckled under his breath. He was about to transport himself to said tower as well, there to take it easy for the next three days reading soft and hardcore porn, but then he remembered the mysterious figure that had followed his team. He turned abruptly to meet her.

Hinata was out of breath from running so fast, and was panting heavily when she finally made it to Kakashi.

She huffed, "Ka-a-ka-a-shi, let, me, at'm."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Nani?"

Hinata rolled her eyes and took a long gulp of water from her canteen as she caught her breath. "A little bird told me about your plan. I want in. Where's my bell big guy?"

Kakashi scratched his chin, and with his photographic memory went through the list of ninja who had been present in the bar while he was drinking with Yamato. _Ah. I do recall seeing Kurenai in the next booth over from us...soka._

Kakashi coughed politely, "Well, you see, this is a strictly team 7-"

Hinata cut him off, "I know what you were doing last Friday night and I have the pictures to prove it. Unless you want _that_ posted on every billboard in town, you _will_ let me in."

"Last Friday night...Last Friday night..." Kakashi scratched his head. What had he been doing last Friday night? Oh Kami, now he remembered. It wasn't so much a question of _what_, as it was _who_ he had been doing.

"Brat, why do you have pictures of _that?_" Kakashi felt his cheeks flushing.

Hinata put her hands on her hips. "Asuma gave them to me."

_What the fuck._

Kakashi maintained his cool. "I don't believe you troll."

Smiling prettily, Hinata took out a small, 3 x 7 photo and handed it to Kakashi, who promptly blanched, ripped the thing up, and howled.

"Don't worry Kakashi-sensei, I have the negatives at home."

Kakashi hastily brought out the key to the gate and unlocked it for the Hyuga heiress. Much to his surprise, she cleared her throat and produced a lavender bell from her vest, and jingled it in front of his face. Apparently, Hinata came prepared.

"See you, Kakashi-sensei." And Hinata was off.

_I can't believe she brought her own bell and everything...damn you, Kurenai and Asuma, damn yooooooooou!_

But of course, Kakashi realized it was his own bad karma that had brought these damning photos upon his head. Damn it Kakashi, you just couldn't resist taking the porny story from the newest edition of 'Hot Kunai Sharpeners', whiting out the proper names, inserting Kurenai and Asuma's names instead, and circulating the crude mad lib around the jonin office for all to enjoy, could you? _Damn it all! Damn Genma for thinking of that prank and paying me twenty bucks to pull it off, damn it! DAMN IT!_

Beads of sweat formed on Kakashi's forehead. He proceeded to lock the gate again, but instead of heading toward the tower for a nice long day of reading, he ran as fast as he could to Asuma's house to try and do some damage control.

In the opposite direction, Hinata stealthfully made her way through the foreboding Forest O' Death. "Byakugan! Now, where, oh where, is Naruto-kuuuuun?" She purred. Hinata smiled when she realized she was not far behind her blonde love. Nodding, she silently slipped through the forest, avoiding oversized mammals with sharp claws and unusually large snakes as she went along. _Oh Naruto-kun, I will steal your bell, and then you will be mine, oh, all mine._ Hinata licked her lips.

It was not long before she came across Naruto, who was pacing furiously in a line between two trees. So intense was his path, that he wore out a groove out in the ground, so that he was pacing inside of a little trench. However, he seemed not to notice the depression in the earth, nor his stalker, as he began muttering to himself.

"What do I do? Do I try and steal Sakura and Sasuke's bells? Or should I just head towards the tower?" Naruto looked longingly in the direction of the tower and sighed. "I never wanted to be in this mess. I should have never dated Sakura or hooked up with Sasuke. I knew it was all a mistake. But what will I do if I just go ahead to the tower, my bell intact, and then Sakura gets Sasuke's bell and they start dating? What if Sasuke gets Sakura's bell and he ends up hurting her feelings. This is just...gah. What do I do?" Naruto considered summoning a froggy friend to help him work though his feelings, much in the way that normal people would talk to a human psychoanalyst, but then he realized that he really needed to take a wiz.

Now, peeing in the Forest of Death is no easy matter, I hope you realize dear reader. There are rodents of unusual size (kudos if you get that reference), man eating iguanas, earthworms over 20 feet long who like to nibble on human flesh...you get where this is going. So when a ninja has to urinate in this dreadful place, he has to be very careful. Naruto, who was cognizant of this situation, searched around for the perfect peeing spot, free of any hazards or rocks, which would create unpleasant splash-backs. After a moment of searching, he indeed found a nice sandy spot, which also happened to be directly in front of Hinata's hiding place.

Initially, Hinata wasn't sure what Naruto was up to, but it all became clear to her byakugan enhanced vision when he unzipped his fly and began watering the flowers, metaphorically. Hinata's pale skin turned twenty two different shades of crimson. Now it wasn't like she had never seen his apparatus before (after all, this particular kunai had deflowered her cherry tree, so to speak), but this was different. For one, right now she was very, very sober; you can imagine how drunk Hinata would have been to be able to shtup Naruto without passing out, that fateful night not-so-long-ago when she sharpened his proverbial katana. Secondly, what she was doing now was considered not only pervertedly voyeuristic, but a complete violation of privacy. In some countries, this behavior was even illegal (although curiously, this was not the case in Konoha). Hinata fought to maintain control over the many feelings warring inside of her- appreciation, horror, guilt, lust, disgust- until her blush o' shame completely overwhelmed her and she passed out. Her body made a dull thumping sound as she hit the ground.

Naruto was just finishing up his business when he heard the tell-tale "thump".

"Nani? Who's there?" Naruto squinted and looked around, but thankfully, Hinata's prone form was hidden under a benevolent canopy of ferns. Shrugging, Naruto zipped up and was on his way, completely unaware of the fact that there was a passed out pervy Hyuga behind him.

It was about ten minutes later when Hinata finally came to. "Shit!" A small salamander was perched on top of her ample bosom and was looking at her quizzically while doing a series of push-ups. She squealed, smacked the hapless creature off of her chest, and activated her byakugan once again.

"Thank Kami, Naruto is just up ahead- oh no, it looks like he's fighting Sasuke-kun!" Hinata gasped in horror- she could not, under any circumstances, allow Sasuke to steal Naruto's bell. "I'm coming my love! I will rescue you!" Hinata bounded off in Naruto's direction.

Not five minutes later, the real Naruto came back to the very spot he had urinated in before. "Oh, there it is!" Naruto grinned sheepishly and picked up an orange bell from the ground. "Good thing no one stumbled across this! Or my ass would have been grass and someone would have been a lawnmower!" Suddenly, he thought of Sasuke, and the above saying made him blush profusely. Sighing heavily, he affixed the bell to the outside of his jacket and took off in the opposite direction of where Hinata was heading, who truly wasn't traveling toward the real Naruto at all, but the henged form of her pink-headed love rival. Otherwise known as that useless, bitch-whore-slut, in Hyuga Hinata's drunken parlance.

* * *

><p>an I had so much fun writing that chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading it:)

BTW, I wrote a cracktastic one shot called **"Bloody Press Conference"**. If you enjoy my sense of humor in this fic, you'll totally enjoy the one shot. It's up at www. fanfiction. net/s/7070852/1/Bloody_Press_Conference_one_shot (just like, take out those obnoxious spaces on either side of the word "fanfiction", or check the link in my profile:)

Much peas and carrots to you! **Please read and review, that's what buddha would do!**


	8. Chapter 8: Surprises

Well hi-dy-ho everybody! Sorry to make you wait so long for this update...I was, like, distracted by life and my other fics. Anyway, thanks for all your super awesome reviews and everything, and as promised, here is an update!

=^.^=

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><p>Chapter 8<p>

**Surprises**

"_Hey! do you know what you are?  
>You're an asshole! an asshole!<em>

_Some of you might not agree_  
><em>Cause you probably likes a lot of misery<em>  
><em>But think a while and you will see...<em>  
><em>Broken hearts are for assholes<em>  
><em>Broken hearts are for assholes<em>  
><em>Are you an asshole?<em>  
><em>Broken hearts are for assholes<em>  
><em>Are you an asshole too?<em>  
><em>Whatcha gonna do, cause you're an asshole..."<em>

~Broken Hearts are for Assholes, Frank Zappa

"Kakashi-senpai?"

"Hmmm?"

Yamato gazed longingly out of the tower window. It sure was boring waiting around with the one-eyed ninja. The wood user sighed and continued, "Are you just going to sit there all day reading soft porn?"

"No."

"Thank goodness-"

"Because I'm also going to read some hard core porn today." Kakashi blithely turned another page while Yamato facepalmed.

"Kakashi-senpai?"

"Hmmmm."

"I don't know..." Yamato loudly sighed again.

Kakashi turned yet another page and retorted, "You're not worried, are you, you big mother hen."

"If I'm a mother hen, then you're a stupid cock."

"Cock-a-fucking-doodle-y-do." The copy nin turned another page.

Yamato began pacing in front of the windows. "Yo, Kakashi-senpai?"  
><em>God damn it does this guy ever shut up.<em> "Tenzou?"

"Hey, that's my super secret ANBU name!"

Kakashi rolled his single eye. "Yamato. What. The. Fuck. Do. You. Want?"

Yamato sighed. "Well, you said, and I quote, 'there will be some extra special surprises once you make it out into the forest. You've been warned.' So, like, what are the extra special surprises?"

Kakashi blinked. "Well, Hinata is in the running for one. That's a surprise."

"Senpai. You didn't plan that. In fact, Hinata had to blackmail your ass to-"

"If you must know the truth Yamato," Kakashi broke in, not wanting to hear any more about the Kami blasted blackmail, "I really just said that for kicks."

"You what?"

"Well, you know, there's always surprises in the Forest of D-"

"YOU FUCKING LIED!"

Kakashi shrugged at this. "A ninja must always look underneath the underneath."

"That's crap. You're just lazy and didn't want to plant any booby traps."

"Tee-hee. You just said booby."

"Senpai!" Yamato threw his hands up in disgust. "Damn it Kakashi, you promised me tigers."

Kakashi finally closed his Icha Icha with a loud slam and regarded Yamato cooly. "Listen, if you feel that strongly about it, why don't you go ahead and find some tigers? You can put them in wooden cages and set them on the kids."

Yamato had shiny stars in his eyes. "Oh my gwad, really?"

"Yes, really."

"You're the BEST Kakashi-senpai!" Yamato threw his hands in the air in pure joy, and ran down the tower stairs to procures some ferocious, preferably man eating, tigers. Though he supposed mountain lions and panthers would also do nicely...

Kakashi just shook his head from side to side and opened his porn novel again. "Such a shumck that Yamato is..."

* * *

><p>"Sasuke."<p>

Sasuke stopped dead in his tracks and turned around to regard the owner of the husky, sexy voice who had just called out his name. He licked his lips and murmured, "Naruto."

They stood there for a moment, staring each other down. Sasuke remarked cooly, "So. You want to fight me for my bell?"

Naruto (who, if you will recall dear reader, is actually Sakura in henged form), shrugged nonchalantly. "I think this whole this is asinine, really. I can think of other things I would rather do than fight you for your balls."

Sasuke gulped. "Um...do you mean bells?"

Naruto looked at him strangely. "Yeah, bells, that's what I said."

"Dobe, you said balls."

Naruto blanched and huffed, "Nuh-uh, I said bells!"

"Tch. Whatever." Sasuke got into a fighting stance. "Well, if you aren't going to go for my balls first, I'm going to grab yours!"

Naruto blinked. "Um, Sasuke?"

"What?"

"You just said balls."

"No I didn't."

"You just fucking said, and I quote, 'if you aren't going to go for my balls first...then I'm going to grab yours.'"

"Whoah." Sasuke dropped his fighting stance and scratched his head before continuing, "I think that's what's called a Freudian slut."

Naruto facepalmed. "Er...Sasuke?"

"WHAT?"

"I think you mean a Freudian slip."

"That's what I said, dobe." Sasuke grimaced and got back into an offensive stance.

"Teme, you said Freudian slut. Did you say that because you think I'm easy?"

Sasuke bit his lower lip.

"You want me, don't you." It was a statement and not a question.

Sasuke continued to bite his lower lip, which started to bleed.

Naruto continued in a deep voice, "Listen. Why don't we make a deal? Fuck me, right here. Right now."

Sasuke blushed. "Are you serious?"

Naruto nodded and continued, "And if you're good at what you do, then I'll give you my bell."

"And if I fail?"

Naruto laughed at that. "I thought Uchiha's didn't fail at anything, least of all fucking." He leveled a sultry look at the raven haired boy- "Unless, of course, you don't think you can-"

Suddenly, the Uchiha moved as fast as lightening and stood behind the blond. "I don't think that will be a problem." Sasuke's mouth moved towards Naruto's neck and bit down in a vampire-esque motion- the blond moaned and spun around to pin the raven haired boy to a tree, claiming the Uchiha's lips with his own. Sakura mused to herself, _Damn. This is hot. But twisted...but so hot! But...so...twisted..._ Deciding she really didn't care it if was hot and/or twisted, she grabbed Sasuke by the collar and stuck her tongue down his throat while she stealthily grabbed his balls- er, I mean his bell-

"UNHAND MY MAN YOU MANWHORE YOU!"

"Hinata!" said a panting blond. _Oh shit muffins_ thought Sakura.

"Hinata?" Sasuke looked up at the Hyuga in confusion. _What the hell is bitch face doing here?_ The Uchiha thought, clenching his fists in frustration.

"You listening here you Uchiha slut jerk- leave my man alone!"

Sasuke smirked. "You going to make me?"

Naruto/Sakura blanched. "Noooooooo!" But secretly, Sakura thought, _This is actually fucking brilliant. I totally have Sasuke's bell. I'll let these two fight over 'me', and then I'll escape to the tower. YOSH!_

Just then Hinata unleashed the power of her byakugan, and then paled. "S-Sakura? What the fuck have you done with Naruto?"

Sasuke scratched his head. "I don't see Sakura anywhere..."

Hinata facepalmed. "And you call yourself an ocular jutsu genius. Activate your sharingan, ya fucking moron."

Sasuke did just that and hissed. Sakura rolled her eyes and transformed back into her merry old self.

"God damn it Sakura!"

"Whatever, that was totally hot."

"Sakura, I thought I was making out with Naruto!"

"Yeah, and it was hot." Sakura smiled. _And twisted..._

"But- but-"

"Listen Sasuke-kun," and here Sakura made some hand-signs and henged back into Naruto, "If this turns you on...why didn't you just say so before? I'll henge for you anytime, anywhere, babe."

"SAKURA!"

"Come on Sasuke, we can still fuck."

Hinata just shook her head. "Sakura, you are not right in the head."

"Whatever betch, at least I'm getting laid." Sakura stuck out her tongue.

"WHO SAID YOU WERE GETTING LAID!" Sasuke shrieked.

"Come on Sasuke-kun," Sakura, in Naruto's form, purred seductively. "You know you want my balls."

Hinata made a face like she had just swallowed a handful of sour grapes.

Sasuke's mouth was shaped in a little, horrified 'o'. "Sakura...I..."

Sakura, in Naruto's form, took off his shirt to reveal impeccably toned abs. "But Sasuke, I thought you wanted to fuck me." he pouted.

"PUT THAT BACK ON!" both Hinata and Sasuke hollered in stereo.

"You don't think I'm smexy?" Naruto undid the fly of his pants and scooted them down on his hips suggestively.

"OH MY FUCKING GWAD, PUT THAT BACK ON!" Sasuke and Hinata shouted simultaneously as they covered their bleeding noses.

Naruto pouted again, "But I'm sooooooooo horny for yoooooooou!" He stretched, and his pants fell down to an even more dangerous level.

Suddenly, there were two thumps heard resounding through the forest, as both Hinata and Sasuke passed out with massive nosebleeds.

"Sakura one, sluts, zero." She released the jutsu and put her clothes back on, then proceeded to tie her foes to the nearest tree, but not before stealing Hinata's bell.

"Now, I'm off to find Naruto, and then, to the tower! Cha!" Sakura beamed as she fled the scene of the crime.

* * *

><p>Captain Yamato was tired, hungry and grumpy. Worst of all, he hadn't found any tigers! Sure, he had come across multiple, man eating rodents, as well as a swarm of flying piranhas (don't ask), and a venus fly trap the size of a small skyscraper, but alas, no frenzied felines did he find.<p>

"Stupid forest. Stupid Kakashi. Stupid tigers. Gah! This day sucks." Just then, he stumbled into a clearing that contained two bound, unconscious ninja. "Hinata? Sasuke?"

There was no response.

"Hmm. Kind of reminds me of that time I went to a party at Asuma's. I had too much to drink, and after I passed out, the guys drew pictures and phrases on my face with a sharpie pen. Like, 'I'm a stupid asshole', or 'I like cock'. Damn. That sucked. Everyone called me a loser for, like, a whole week." In reality, it was more like a whole month, but Yamato's fragile ego could not handle that fact (or the fact that he had also woken up with someone else's used condom on his face. That memory had been repressed very, very deeply into the basement of his subconscious).

Yamato continued to muse aloud, "Hm. But you know what, if _I _write mean crap all over their faces, that would make _them _losers, and it would make _me_ super cool...I could tell all my jonin and ANBU friends and gain their respect (finally)...hmmm." Yamato made a few hand-signs and a sharpie pen emerged from his finger (it was the new jutsu he had been working on all week. I mean, come on, how often can a ninja not find that one special sharpie pen to label his underwear and socks before a long mission? Best jutsu _ever_).

Before long, Hinata's face was covered in 'angry betch', and 'I have a drinking problem', in addition to a pair of boobs drawn in bold lines on her forehead. Sasuke's pale, perfect, emo skin soon bore 'my hair looks like a bird's ass yo', and 'I'm a super gay ninja', a pair of overly large testicles decorating his right cheek. Yamato stepped back from his work in artistic contemplation. "Hmmm...I think Sasuke needs an extra pair of testicles on his left cheek- yeah, that's good, it balances the composition. And maybe a drawing of a barbed cat's penis on the bridge of his nose...yes, yes! Brilliant!" Yamato took out his polaroid camera and snapped a photo. _This will be just awesome for the jonin break room cork board..._

Yamato ran back to the tower, sighing with joy, "Now how's THAT for surprises, Kakashi-senpai!"

* * *

><p>an yeah, I don't know, I'm going through a phase of 15 year old boy humor:) LOL. Review via the lil' blue button below- if you don't, Yamato'll break out his sharpie-no-jutsu on your drunk-ass!

:-P


	9. Chapter 9: Wrestling

Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your reviews and for your patience with this update! You have my amazing, wonderful beta dazynl8 to thank; I had a lot of hang-ups with this chapter and she helped me out a lot. Yay for betas!

Ok, have a fun time now!

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><p>Chapter 9<p>

**Wrestling**

_It's a little like wrestling a gorilla._

_You don't quit when you're tired - you quit when the gorilla is tired._

_~Robert Strauss  
><em>

Naruto bounded through the forest, making his way as quickly as he could towards the central tower. He hadn't been able to locate any of his (so-called) friends, so he decided to just get the hell out of Dodge. Still, he was disturbed at his lack of ninja know-how; usually, he had excellent tracking skills, but today, he couldn't find a single member of team seven to save his soul from the Death God. _It must just be my crappy state of mind...I can't concentrate at all,_ the blond ninja thought glumly. His mind kept turning towards his, quote, 'shit-head' teammates. And it seemed that his rambling thoughts— or, in the parlance of the perturbed blond, his 'mental diarrhea'— made him rather clumsy. He had ten stubbed toes to prove it.

_Thank Kami,_ our hero sighed mentally, _there it is!_ Indeed, the tower— his sole place of refuge and the end of his suffering— loomed largely in the distance. But his relief didn't last long: a low menacing growl startled him out of his thoughts. Naruto spun around only to find himself facing three feral tigers, spittle falling from their barred teeth.

It was just Naruto's luck—while Yamato had been frantically scouring the forest for rabid tigers in vain, Naruto, who only wanted to be left alone, stood facing these decidedly unfriendly beasts himself. Of course, Yamato would have been disappointed that he, personally, had not procured said tigers from the perilous nooks-and-crannies of the forest; nevertheless, the former ANBU agent surely would have been pleased that rabid beasts were currently torturing Naruto, albeit without Yamato's actual help.

"There, there- good kitties!" Naruto anxiously murmured.

Three growls met his statement.

Naruto gulped. It was going to be a long afternoon after all...

* * *

><p>Sasuke was in a lovely dark place, ensconced in a sleep so deep no dreams could disturb it. Small pinpricks of light, which Sasuke assumed where stars, were orbiting around his head. <em>Ah. Sweet, deep sleep. Thank Kami...<em> It had been weeks since he had slept this well...

However, a high pitched she-banshee was calling his name, "SASUKE, SASUKE!", over and over again. Despite his best efforts to stay in the womb-like darkness, he found himself slowly being drawn up and out of blissful unconsciousness and into the harsh light. With a sorry sigh he cracked on eye open—

And promptly broke into hysterical laughter.

"Nani, what's so funny?" an irate Hinata moaned.

Sasuke managed through his guffaws, "H-Hinata! Your face! OMFG, your face!"

"You are one to talk ass-wipe, I think there is a barbed cat penis drawn on the bridge of your nose."

"Ok, but you totally have a pair of boobs drawn on your forehead."

"Moron, the testicles on your cheek are as big as oranges and are decorated with spiky hairs...like, ew."

Sasuke winced. "Ok. You win."

Hinata just rolled her eyes. "Idiot. Neither of us win; Sakura has both of our bells, that she-devil. Damn. We've just been had."

Sasuke had never felt more pathetic in his life. Here he was, bound to a tree with the village stalker, while the love of his life was being stolen by a woman who liked to act like a gay male prostitute. Dear freakin lord. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the tree, and with a sigh explored the bindings as well as he could. Unfortunately, the person who had incapacitated them (Sasuke incorrectly assumed that it was Sakura when in fact it had been Yamato) was extremely talented with the shinobi knot system, and it would take them a good hour to break free of their ropes. Hinata noticed his subtle motions and began wiggling around herself, and then slowly, slowly, she began to unwind herself as best she could.

"You know," she began as she nudged her knife out of her pouch and started to work the knots free, "we sure are blind for two ocular doujutsu users."

"Hn." Sasuke was not in the mood for talking; he would rather concentrate on the task at hand, and from there to find Naruto, than to talk to the weird, anti-social, Hyuga.

Hinata shook her head and activated her byakugan. "Oi. There's a weakness in these ropes- if you work on the second strand from the bottom on the right side, and I work on the third from the left, we should be out of here in fifteen minutes."

Sasuke, surprised at his fellow captive's ability, nodded approvingly. "That's not bad, the byakugan. I don't think I would have been able to see that with the sharingan."

Hinata blushed slightly as she frayed the ropes with her kunai. "Thanks. Although I'm sure the sharingan has its other advantages."

The pair worked in silence for a while, filing away at their bindings. As Sasuke victoriously cut through one strand of the rope, he offered, "I just never knew we had...stuff in common..."

Hinata laughed coldly. "So besides doujutsu...you mean...like having unrequited carnal love for Naruto-kun?"

Sasuke nodded glumly and replied, "Yeah. Like that." He shrugged his shoulders. "Ha. It's just coincidence, you're right. For a moment there I thought you'd be telling me that tomatoes were your favorite food."

Hinata scoffed, "Tomatoes are everyone's favorite food. Sungold cherry tomatoes are nature's candy after all..."

Sasuke's jaw dropped. "Sungolds are my favorite kind of tomato!"

Hinata eyed him askance. "So?"

"And tomatoes are my favorite food! Believe me, not everyone is a tomato fan; in fact, Naruto hates them..."

Hinata's eyes widened. "Huh. I guess we do have a lot in common..."

"Funny..."

The pair continued to work on their bindings in silence for a while.

Just as they were about half way through, Sasuke ventured, "You know, you are a lot more useful than my pink headed teammate. Shino and Kiba are lucky to have you on their team."

Hinata's cheeks became dusted with pink once again. "Thanks. You're not terrible yourself. You're actually pretty ok."

Sasuke nodded— that was probably the nicest thing anyone had ever said about him— and filed through another string of fibers before wondering aloud, "You know..."

"We should totally team up together against Pinkie," Hinata finished for him.

"And after we kick her ass and extract our revenge, then we can duke it out for Naruto."

"That sounds like an excellent plan, Sasuke-san." Hinata finally snapped some ropes and began to wiggle with more freedom before she continued, "That betch won't stand a chance against two ocular jutsu wielders."

Soon, the ropes frayed completely; Sasuke rose and dusted himself off, and was soon joined by a grim Hinata.

"We should probably..."

"Go wash our faces off," Sasuke finished for Hinata.

She nodded. "There's a small stream not far off. Let's get this crap off of our faces and then go find that slut-faced ho."

Sasuke strode forward and Hinata followed close behind. As they walked through the forest, Hinata couldn't help but notice what a firm ass Sasuke had...

As her cheeks heated up, she found herself becoming excited at the prospect of going for a little mid-day swim with the Uchiha.

* * *

><p>When Sakura finally located Naruto, she found him completely passed out with little swirlies in his eyes. Above his head, strewn amongst the branches of the trees, were three tigers who were equally unconscious. Sakura puffed out a breath of air on the side of her barely parted lips, blowing errant wisps of pink hair out of her sweaty face. Now that she was standing in front of Naruto, she wondered, what should she do?<p>

The answer came to her in a blink of an eye; with a shrug, she took off her shirt and skirt until she was standing in her underwear (though she was careful to conceal all of her bells using henge-no-jutsu to make them look like decorative pom-poms on her bra). "Naruuuuuuuto!" she called oh-so-sweetly. But there was no response. She strode over to the prone boy and stood over him, and began gently slapping his face. "Naruuuuuuuutoooooooo-kuuuuuuun!" she sang, a bit louder this time.

Naruto moaned in his sleep, then finally opened his eyes; he found himself face-to-face with Sakura's cleavage. He blinked a few times, then pinched himself, surprised that he was actually awake; he thought for sure he was having one of _those_ dreams again. "Um...Sakura-chan?"

Sakura fluttered her eyelashes at him while she eyed the orange bell on the lapel of his jacket. "Naruto-kuuuuuun?"

"Where...are your clothes?"

It was then that Sakura broke down in crocodile tears. "Oh Naruto-kun, it was horrible! Yamato-taicho found me while I was swimming, and he totally _stole_ my_ clothes_!" Sakura wailed as she flung her arms around Naruto.

Naruto wanted to push her off, but he was honestly afraid to touch her; after all, she was mostly naked. It seemed like touching her _anywhere_ was horribly inappropriate. But just as Sakura's thieving fingers zeroed in on Naruto's bell, he rose abruptly and shook her off with the sheer force of his momentum. Sakura practically bounced off of him, but landed gracefully on her feet, as if she had intended to fly backwards the whole time.

"Wow Sakura...that's terrible. We'll have to rip Yamato a new one once we get to the tower, ne?" he replied affably, smiling his iconic, idiotic grin.

"Um...yeah..." Sakura really didn't understand why Naruto didn't have an epic nosebleed right then. _Am I fat or something? Are my boobs, like, small or...misshapen? God damn, when we were dating, Naruto practically __**begged**__ me to see my titties! GAH._ _ Alright then. __Time to get serious,_ Sakura thought gleefully to herself. "Oh! Eeek! I think a spider just crawled down my top!" She promptly pulled down the straps of her bra, flashing Naruto her itty bitty titties.

"Oi, I don't see any spider..." Naruto replied casually before sauntering away in the direction of the tower.

Sakura pulled her bra straps back up. Now, she was _fucking_ pissed. Her hands balled into fists, glowing with chakra as she roared, "BAKA, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"

"The tower—" However, the dobe could not complete his sentence, because Sakura had just tackled him in a giant, goopy mud puddle. "Ooof. Sakura, dub-o-you-tee-phhhhhh!"

Sakura looked at him, her confusion evident on her face. "Nani? Would you mind properly spelling that out, instead of just using alliterative language?"

"Gah! I _said, _W.T.F., as in...**what the fuck**!"

"Ooooooooooh, that's so much better. Um...it looks like I'm mud wrestling you in my underwear...!"

"What—" But unfortunately for our blond hero, it was then that Sakura commenced with the mud wrestling. The fight was fierce indeed: mud flew everywhere, splotching the trees with gooey goodness, flying up to the heavens only to rain back down on our protagonists. The very earth began to shake, and soon, three tigers rained down in the muddy deluge as well, though thankfully, the animals didn't fall on the preoccupied ninja.

Naruto was laughing hysterically. "Oh oh oh, hee hee hee, this mud tickles!"

Sakura arched her eyebrows suggestively. "Oh it _tickles, _does it!" With a wicked grin, she commenced to tickle her teammate under his arms on on the bottoms of his feet (apparently, his shoes had fallen off in the epic, muddy battle).

"Oh gods, please Sakura, stop, please! Oh oh oh, hee hee hee! Sakura-chaaaaaaan!"

Sakura paused mid-tickle and murmured, "Hand over your bell, lover boy, and I'll stop tickling you right this instant!"

Naruto's face fell, and suddenly serious, he replied, "Hey, come on now Sakura, I can't— Oh gods, oh oh OH, hee hee HEE! Sakuuuuuraaaaaaaaaa!" Indeed, Sakura had begun to tickle poor Naruto-kun once again, this time with renewed vigor and chakra-enhanced fingernails. "Sakuuuuuuraaaaaaa, I'm dyyyyyying, Sakuuuuuuuraaaaa!"

"Hand over your bell and the torture will stop!" Sakura called in a syrupy voice.

"N-Never! Ha ha ha! F-For- hee hee hee! T-That is m-my, ha ha ha! Nindo oh oh!" At this point, Naruto was flailing about wildly, and while trying to grab her arm, his muddy hand unfortunately landed on a very pert breast.

_Thank Kami!_ Sakura thought triumphantly.

_Oh Kami! Noo__ooooo! _Naruto mentally wailed.

The two ninja froze in that position...

Just then, who should break through the trees but Sasuke and Hinata.

"HANDS OFF, PINKIE!" they screamed in unison. Naruto, like the proverbial deer in headlights, was transfixed and was unable to remove his hand from Sakura's chest.

"Um...I think Naruto is the one who's got his hands on me..." Sakura offered.

"LET'S GET HER!" the two dark haired, doujutsu wielding, spoiled rich kids cried as they ran forward to lynch their mutual rival in love.

Suddenly, bright flashes lit up the clearing like lightening; the ninja froze.

"OH BOY KAKASHI-SENPAI, YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!" Yamato shouted as he bounded through the forest, a Polaroid camera in hand.

Sasuke looked at Hinata; Hinata looked at Sasuke. Should they follow Yamato and break his balls for snapping an indecent picture of their common heartthrob with (gasp) that Pink-haired-slut-bag? Or should they proceed with plan A, namely, kick the crap out of Haruno Sakura?

Wordlessly, they nodded and activated their respective ocular jutsu. "Prepare to die, Sakura-no-betch face!" Hinata wailed.

"Yeah, what she said!" Sasuke echoed, the commas in his sharingan whirling menacingly.

Sakura took that moment, while Naruto was still in shock and clinging to her single boob like a drowning man hanging on to a life preserver, to rip the bell off of his jacket and high tail it for the tower.

* * *

><p>an tee hee. Tune in next time for an epic battle between the forces of awesome (Hinata + Sasuke) and the forces of evil (Sakura-no-slutface!) lol

and if you dare, I did update **"Catchphrases**" this week; if you want to see some excellent Shikamaru torturing, that's the place to go:)

Thanks so much for reading- please drop me a review and let me know what you think! It helps me to be a better writer; plus your reviews encourage me to update faster, for real! :)


	10. Chapter 10: Candy

a/n

Dude. Guys. I totally _suck_. I can't believe it took me so long to update this- gah! I've just totally been sucked into my fic "Song of Aether"... I know, I know, that's totally no excuse. So that's why I kicked my own ass tonight and forced myself to update. Please forgive me, and please enjoy the latest chapter of my insane crack-fic. I hope you like it!

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><p>Chapter 10<p>

**Candy**

"_I feel like a human pinata. The disappointing thing is, no candy is going to spill out."_

~Katie Couric

Naruto sat in a state of semi-shock as he watched Hinata and Sasuke run after Sakura, the latter having just stolen everyone's balls- er, I mean, bells.

Should he go after them? Should he tell them to stop fighting?

Naruto shook his head, droplets of mud falling from his hair. Even if he tried to reason with his three, hormonally-driven friends, it's not like they would listen anyway. It seemed they were focused on kicking the crap out of each other and sexually forcing themselves on Naruto. As he sat in his puddle o' mud, feeling sorry for himself and all around dejected and depressed, his stomach began to rumble.

"Oh fuck it, I'm fucking hungry, and I'm fucking tired of this shit. I'm going to rinse off my clothes, and then I'm going to the tower. And _then_," our hero finished triumphantly, "I'm going to get me a bowl of ramen. Fuck this fucking death fucked forest. Fuck." With that, he ambled off towards the tower, his so-called friends be damned.

Meanwhile, Sakura was having a difficult time eluding her two pursuers. Sasuke had already attempted to kanton her ass three times; no, literally, her ass had some singe marks from where she narrowly escaped the Uchiha's flame-throwing jutsu. Worst of all, every time she tried to hide, Hinata's damn Byakugan found her. _Damn it!_ Sakura moaned inwardly, _I'm not going to last long against these two at this rate!_

Should our antagonist try sexy-no-jutsu again? No, that couldn't work a second time. Should she summon her giant slugs? No, bad idea; she was pretty sure she wouldn't stand a chance against Sasuke's more bad-ass summons. Maybe she could throw smoke bombs in their faces?

Maybe she could use smoke bombs _and_ smexy-no-jutsu?

_Hells yes!_

With that thought, Sakura threw a handful of particularly nasty red pepper smoke bombs at her adversaries and hid behind a tree.

"Oh fuck no betch!" Hinata roared. "Sasuke, use your katon!"

"Hn." In a moment, the pepper particulate matter had all been burned up by Sasuke's fire jutsu. "You didn't get any of that crap in your eyes, did you?"

"I'm fine. I whipped out my special Hyuga Brand 'Moon Goggles©.' Pretty awesome, huh? Gucci ain't got nothing on me."

Sasuke turned towards her and blinked; Hinata's so called 'Moon Goggles' were some of the most hideous, aviator style glasses he had ever seen. Hadn't she ever heard of just _avoiding_ smoke clouds? Geez, what was she going to whip out next, a pair of black denim skinny jeans and a studded leather belt? "Yeah, whatever babe, do you see Pinkie?"

Hinata blushed violently at being called 'babe' by the super smexy Uchiha. "Um...right! Pinkie...Pinkie...oh! Someone is behind THAT TREE!"

The Uchiha and Hyuga raced over to the above mentioned tree, only to find a Naruto clad in a magenta speedo.

"Ack! Sakura! Put that away!" Sasuke wailed, covering up his nose with one hand while flailing wildly with another.

"Sakura? I don't see any Sakura!" Sakura (in Naruto form) cooed.

"Damn it Pinkie, do you think we'd fall for that bullshit again!" Hinata roared. "Now GIVE US BACK OUR BELLS or I'm going to rip you a new asshole!"

"Aw, Hinataaaaa-chaaaaaan, don't be so mean!" the Naruto-henged kunoichi cooed, before pulling down the sides of her speedo.

"GOD DAMN IT SAKURA!" Sasuke shouted, rivers of blood pouring from his nose.

"Sasuke! Get a hold of yourself man! Snap out of it!" Hinata moaned as Sasuke began to get all woozy. But it was too late: Sasuke promptly passed out in a pool of his own pervy nose blood. Hinata pondered for a moment: why, oh _why_, did anime characters always pass out from epic nosebleeds in Japan; wouldn't it make more sense to have steam coming out of their ears like proper American cartoons? Or at the very least, simply just pass out from smexy overload? Seriously, she never understood the nosebleed things, even though she had been known to get them herself on occasion. What the hell is pervy or smexy about a nosebleed, people?

Hinata shook her head to dispel her random thoughts and rounded on Sakura, her byakugan still active. "I can see right through your henge you slut ho', and I'm about to gentle fist your ass out of it!" Hinata roared.

On the ground, Sasuke's nose spurted yet more blood, ostensibly from a pervy double entendre Hinata had just stated concerning her jutsu, but the two kunoichi didn't notice: they were too focused on beating the shit out of each other.

Sakura poofed back into her normal form and shouted, "Bitch! I'm going to cut you so bad, you're going to wish you never got involved in this bell test! You're going to regret the day your father had a first date with your mother!"

Hinata blinked. "Sakura?"

"WHAT?"

"That was...hopelessly complicated and humorless. Plus, my mother is like totally _dead._ You just, like, said a 'Yo Mama' joke to a girl with a dead mother. Do you know what that makes you?"

Sakura gulped. "What?"

"A FUCKING BETCH!" Hinata roared, as she began her juken. Sakura moved quickly to defend herself from the Hyuga, but it took every ounce of deftness and strength; she just thanked her lucky stars that Sasuke was passed out from a nosebleed right now, or her ass would have been grass and the dark-haired, depressed looking clan heirs would have been the proverbial lawnmowers.

As the girls were busy clawing each other to death, a groggy Sasuke finally got to his feet and wiped the blood from his face. "Um...hey girls?"

"Eat dirt you jerk!" Hinata shouted as she literally stuffed dirt into Sakura's face.

"Pfff! You ho'! Take that!" Sakura spat as she scratched Hinata on her bare skin, causing the Hyuga to screech.

"Um...Sakura? Hinata?" Sasuke tried again.

"Naruto could never love you! Your hair is too _frosty_ like a fucking strawberry _milkshake! _And your forehead is like a fucking _launch pad. _Maybe you should call the mother-ship and tell them there's room for them to land their fucking UFO; Kami, I bet they can see the sun shinning on your massive brow from outer space! Geez, have you even heard of concealer?"

"Bitch! You're one to talk about aliens— have you _looked_ in a mirror lately? Your eyes have no goddamn _pupils._ Plus, let's remember that your cousin _Neji_ has already kissed Naruto: that means that kissing Naruto for you is like incest!"

"Girls!" Sasuke tried again in vain, only to be ignored by the females ensconced in their bitch fest.

"Incest? That doesn't make any fucking sense!" Hinata roared as she attempted to gentle fist Sakura's ass out of existence.

"Hello? Earth to Hinata! Haven't you ever heard of the kissing chain?" Sakura shouted, displacing the earth and chucking rocks at her foe. "You're connected to all the people that the people you have kissed have kissed!"

"Your syntax sucks my left nut, Pinkie!" Hinata yelled as she used her gentle fist style to disintegrate the boulders Sakura threw her way.

"AT LEAST I HAVEN'T KISSED MY FUCKING COUSIN by association! What are you, some kind of country bumpkin! Plus, you just said that you have _balls._ What are you, some kind of transgendered—"

"HINATA! SAKURA!" Sasuke finally shouted, convinced that he would never get their attention otherwise.

"WHAT!" Sakura snapped.

"Can't you see we're busy here Sasuke!" Hinata replied waspishly.

Sasuke slapped himself on the forehead and countered, "Naruto."

"What about him?" Sakura replied.

"He's gone," Sasuke muttered bluntly, rolling his eyes.

Both Hinata and Sakura blinked.

"You guys totally didn't notice, did you?" Sasuke complained.

Sakura weighed Naruto's bell in her hand. While she was concerned about Naruto's whereabouts, the truth was, she had his bell. Oh, she would find him _later_...for now, she should concentrate on getting to the tower!

But just as Sakura was about to make her second getaway of the day, all the while clutching Naruto's bell in her sweaty palm, the tiny orange bell poofed out of existence and instead was replaced with an orange M&M.

"Oh what the fuck!" Sakura shrieked as her prized, pilfered possession revealed its true form. "I didn't have Naruto's bell this whole time!" She slapped herself in the face.

"And now, my one true love is racing off towards the tower!" Hinata cried.

"And no one has his bell..." Sasuke intoned. "But first...oh, but first." He cracked his knuckles menacingly before forming a chidori in his hands. "I think there is something you have that I want, Sakura..."

Sakura started to back away slowly from the slightly (nah, make that highly) insane Uchiha heir. Things were not looking good for her...

* * *

><p>"Senpai..."<p>

"Hmmm."

"Kakashi-senpai!" Yamato whined.

"Hm." Kakashi flipped another page of his 'novel.' "What the hell do you want Woody?"

"Damn it Kakashi, you know I hate it when you use that nickname for me!"

Without lifting his eyes from the page, Kakashi counted, "What, you prefer Faceplate Face?"

"No...that's hella redundant anyway."

"Scary Eyes?"

"No!"

"Personally, I think Woody is the best, but if you _really_ prefer, I guess I can call you Douche Pooch."

"Kakashi! You swore to me you would never, EVER bring up that horrible nickname again!"

Kakashi shrugged. "I can't help it that you can't hold your liquor..."

Yamato shuddered: he really, _really_ didn't want to remember the circumstances of becoming christened with _that_ particular nickname... He cleared his throat and began in an exasperated tone, "Kakashi, I'm _bored."_

"And that's my problem how?"

"Senpai!"

Kakashi put down his book and exhaled hotly. "Why don't you find some tigers to play with?"

Yamato rolled his eyes. "There aren't any damn tigers in this forest."

"Why don't you go mess with our little ninja friends?"

"I already _did_ that!"

"Why don't you blow me?"

There was a moment of silence.

"It was a joke, Yamato," Kakashi intoned dryly as the ANBU formerly known as Tenzo dropped to his knees.

"Aw, come on Kakashi, I'm _bored!_"

Kakashi shook his head. _Damn it, Yamato is such a loser..._ "All right. Why don't you raid the fridge here, take all the whipped cream and chocolate syrup you can find, leave it in _obvious_ places by our little ninja friends in the forest, and take incriminating pictures of them once they find the goods."

"Kakashi?"  
>"Hm?"<p>

"You had chocolate syrup in the fridge this _whole time_?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"The fuck Kakashi-senpai! Remember when I was eating my ice cream, and I _specifically_ asked you if there was any chocolate syrup in the fridge, and you _specifically_ told me there wasn't any?"

Kakashi grinning maniacally. "Well fuck a duck Yamato! Today is your lucky day! We _do_ have chocolate syrup in the fridge!"

Yamato gave Kakashi the proverbial hairy eyeball, then made his way towards the fridge, all the while muttering obscenities under his breath.

Sighing in relief, Kakashi settled back in his lawn chair and flipped a page in his book.

* * *

><p>Panting heavily, Naruto found himself standing just outside the tower. "Yosh!" He leaned on the wall for a moment and gulped in the cool air. "I guess since I'm here, I can take a breather and eat my lucky M&amp;Ms that I've been saving as a special treat for when I finished this stupid fucking bell test!"<p>

Grinning widely, he opened his bag of chocolate treats, which were a special blend he had ordered from the local confectionary shop: each and every delectable chocolate drop was coated in an orange candy shell. Imagine our hero's surprise, however, when he withdrew his very own orange bell instead of an orange coated piece of candy!

"Holy shit! So _that's _where I put my bell...I thought for sure I had lost it. Score! This is even better than chocolate! Time to get the hell out of Dodge!"

But no sooner had our hero made to run towards the entrance of the tower than two dark forms blocked his path.

"Hold it right there, lover-boy," Hinata cooed.

"Cause you ain't going nowhere," Sasuke finished for her. In his hands, he held a long length of rope. Naruto looked back over at Hinata, whom he noticed had numerous bottles of chocolate syrup and whipped cream under her arm.

"Um...guys...what...?" Naruto began, his heart beating wildly in his chest.

"Don't worry Naruto-_kun,_" Hinata purred, "we're just going to tie you up..."

"And then fight to the death over who gets to date you," Sasuke succinctly replied.

"Ok, but what's the chocolate syrup and whipped cream for?" Naruto asked hesitatingly as he backed away from his mentally-unwell ex-lovers.

"Oh that," Sasuke began...

"You'll find out about that soon enough," Hinata continued.

Naruto's eyes got wide in his head and he began to run, as fast as his feet would carry him, _away_ from the crazy girl with the faux aviator glasses and the dude with the rope.

Hinata called sweetly as she ran after her beloved, "Come back honey buns, because..."

"We're not going to hurt you!" Sasuke finished for her.

"STOP FINISHING EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES! IT'S TOTALLY CREEPY!" Naruto wailed as he sprinted back into the forest, mentally cursing himself for taking an M&M break when he was so fucking close to freedom. As he ran, he couldn't help but freak out over the chocolate syrup and whipped cream Hinata was currently clutching to her bouncing bosom...

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><p>an _what is going to happen to our hero Naruto? Eeep! Stay tuned next till next time, when we find out what, exactly, Sasuke and Hinata are planning to do with that chocolate sauce!_

_BTW, feel free to drop me ideas about what you would like to happen in the next chapter- I'm totally open for requests:) Just let me know via your kind and spiffy review:)_


	11. Chapter 11: A Midsummer's Night Genjutsu

Hey gang! I'm busting ass tonight in an attempt to update all my crack fics! Why, you ask? Because November (which starts on Tuesday) is NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month! As an excited participant, **I will be taking a break from fanfic the entire month of November to attempt to write my very own, 200+ paged novel in just 30 days! Eeek!** So I wanted to get this update to y'all before I take my epic work-cation!

Wish me luck, and please enjoy this chappy!

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><p>Chapter 11<p>

**A Midsummer's Night Genjutsu**

_"The course of true love never did run smooth_."

~Shakespeare

"Hokage-sama! Hokage-sama!" Temari screeched as she entered Tsunade's office.

Tsunade, who was in the middle of taking a shot of sake, downed her alcohol and eyed the blonde kunoichi askance. "Temari? What are you doing here?"

"Hokage-sama, I've come here as fast as I could from Suna with important intel! The Akatsuki are sending Kisame and Itachi to the Hidden Leaf! For the Kyuubi! Do you know where Naruto is?"

The Hokage blinked; then she poured herself another drink, downed it, and called for Shizune, who at the Hokage's prompting explained, "Tsunade-sama! Team Seven is off doing a special training exercise in the Forest of Death!"

"Oh good. Then Naruto is with Kakashi and Yamato. He should be fine until the back-up arrives..."

"Um...actually m'lady, Genma told me this morning_ exactly_ what Team Seven is up to..." Shizune launched into an explanation of the insanity that was the upgraded bell test (AKA, Kakashi's excuse for a porn-a-thon vacation from work), while Tsunade smashed her shot glass down on the table and commenced to drink sake directly from the bottle.

Just as Shizune was finishing her explanation and fearing for her life, who should walk into the office but team Ino-Shika-Cho, reporting in from their latest mission. But when the three hapless nin looked at the stricken faces of the Hokage, Shizune, and Temari, they wished then and there that they had knocked on the door instead of barging in. Instinctively, they knew nothing good could come of this.

"Ino! Shikamaru! And Fat Ass! Get to the Forest of Death right now! We have a situation on our hands, I say! A mother fucking situation!" Tsunade roared, her cheeks flushed with the effects of alcohol.

"I'll go too, Hokage-sama," Temari muttered. She had her reservations about the effectiveness of Team Ten, considering they were the embodiment vanity, sloth, and gluttony. She was pretty sure they would die mean, ugly deaths up against major S-classed rogue ninja; either that or they would all cry like little girls once they got on the scene.

While Ino-Shika-Fat-Ass-Temari ran out of the office and off to the Forest o' Doom and Gloom to warn Team Seven of their impending disaster, Tsunade mobilized the ANBU to get ready for an all out war.

* * *

><p>On the very outskirts of Konoha, two middle aged women hobbled under the weight of their heavy baskets as they made their way through the dense forest. At least, this is what the two traveling companions <em>looked<em> like to the untrained eye; in reality, it was Kisame and Itachi, cleverly hidden beneath one of Itachi's hax'd jutsu, or as Kisame liked to call it, sharinhax.

Kisame picked his nose and flicked a large, blue bugger at a nearby bush. Itachi resolutely looked on ahead.

"How far are we from this Death Forest thingie anyway?" Kisame groused as he investigated the contents of his other nostril.

"Not far," Itachi replied in a susurrant tone.

Kisame sighed heavily and stuck his hands deeply into his pockets. "Sure is stupid of Konoha to put their Kyuubi in such a remote location."

"Hn."

Just then, three civilian women came up the road; they weren't much older than teenagers, and Kisame noted that the tallest girl—a buxom blonde with ginormous tits— was especially good looking. The Akatsuki didn't get out much usually, and thus Kisame was thinking about grabbing her fine ass when—

"Let them pass, idiot. Remember, we look like a pair of grandmothers. Break my genjutsu and I will break _you_."

"Damn," Kisame muttered under his breath.

The giggling girls passed by the two, mentally-unwell, serial killers. "Hello grandmothers!" the curvaceous blonde called.

"Kisame," Itachi hissed in a warning tone.

"Man, what I wouldn't give to tap that ass," Kisame muttered hotly. However, his big voice rang out a bit loudly in the forest clearing, and the girls—who had clearly heard him, and who were clearly perturbed about the sexual preferences of the little old lady—rushed away from the scene quickly.

"If you blow our cover, so help me Kami—"

Kisame snorted and interrupted his constipated traveling companion, "Oi! Come on Itachi, they were _hot!_ I mean, when was the last time you got laid—"

"Enough," Itachi shot back as he lifted his hand for silence.

Kisame rolled his eyes but otherwise remained silent; after all, it was a well known fact in the Akatsuki that one did not piss off Uchiha Itachi, unless one had a death wish. However, a moment later, contrary to Kisame's desire to preserve his life, he muttered under his breath, "I swear to Kami, you must be gay or something..."

"What was that?" Itachi spat, turning around abruptly and staring at Kisame with his sharingan eyes.

Kisame quickly looked away from the pinwheels of doom and complained, "Aw, come on Itachi, don't take everything so fucking seriously. I'm just saying, if you didn't think that fine piece of tail back there was hot-as-all-get-out, then it's possible you might be—"

"Complete that sentence, and I'll shove samehada so far up your ass, you'll be bleeding out of your ears," Itachi whispered in a cold, menacing voice.

"But Itachi, come on, you're totally hot, gay guys would—" Kisame wanted to say, "Jump your bones," but at that precise minute, Itachi threw a kunai at Kisame's face. The fish-man dodged, but the knife still managed to graze his cheek, drawing a thin line of blood.

"Uchihas don't have senses of humor. I suggest you shut your trap," Itachi hissed.

The two walked on in silence for a while longer, when Kisame mumbled to himself, "Man. You're so hot, even _I_ would do you, but you've got this anger management problem—"

At that, Itachi placed Kisame under a particularly nasty genjutsu, not wanting to even entertain the possibility that Kisame would want to "do him." As Kisame's large body fell to the ground with a dull thumping sound, the Uchiha shuddered, and considered placing _himself_ under genjutsu in order to erase Kisame's horrid comments from his poor soiled mind.

After a few minutes of torture, Itachi released Kisame, who continued to twitch on the ground like an epileptic having a seizure for another good five minutes. Smirking, Itachi began walking towards their destination; Kisame crawled after him until he could manage to walk again, and this time, the blue man did not say a word. Thankfully, Kisame had a large supply of chakra, and in a few moments, he was as good as new.

They hopped the fence to the magical Forest o' Death with no trouble at all; and since the ninja they were tracking were making a ton of noise, they did not have to look hard to find the Kyuubi, Uchiha the younger, and the heir of the Hyuga clan. The two Akatsuki members hopped up into a tree and gazed down at the madness unfurling below.

"A fight to the death, Uchiha-san!" Hinata bellowed.

"To the death, Hyuga-chan."

Hinata blushed violently at that—he called her Hyuga-chan! Girly fan-girl squeal! Naruto looked on in horror from the tree he was currently tied to and yelled, "Guys! You _don't_ need to do this! Please!"

"Tch. Yes we do idiot. At the end of the day, I'm the only one who is going to be fucking you."

"Whatever Uchiha!" Hinata screamed. "It's ON!" And then, the two dark haired ninja went at each other, not with kunai or shuriken, but with chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Naruto promptly had a nosebleed and passed out.

"Yo. Itachi, I think your little brother is gay for the Kyuubi..."

Itachi didn't respond, but Kisame saw that the corners of his mouth were twitching upwards in the Uchiha's approximation of a grin.

Just then, who should burst into the clearing but Haruno Sakura. "You sluts! Naruto is MINE!" Sakura shrieked as she, too, joined the fray of dessert toppings.

Kisame scratched his head. "Um...I guess we should get the Kyuubi now...while he's tied up and passed out with a pervy nosebleed and all."

"Oh...I have a better idea. I think it's time I taught my foolish little brother a lesson."

Kisame grinned. "Oi, are you going to fuck with those idiots down there?" Itachi nodded, and Kisame snorted before venturing, "Oh Itachi, I love how you're such a sick, twisted fuck!"

"Are you hitting on me again?" Itachi asked as he looked his partner in the eye with his menacing sharinhax®.

"Um...of course not," Kisame muttered as he turned a shade of purple— because let's face it people, if your skin is blue and you blush, your blush will be purple. It's basic color theory.

Itachi smirked and made a few complicated hand-signs before murmuring, "Love-Clusterfuck-no-Jutsu!"

Just then, the ninja in the forest below stopped fighting, as they were caught in the throes of Itachi's hax'd genjutsu.

Sasuke and Hinata just looked at each other for a moment before they started sucking on each other's faces and rolling around in whipped cream and chocolate syrup sludge. Sakura put her hands on her hips and pouted. "Oi! Hinata-chan," the Pink-headed girl cried, "come make out with me!" With her monstrous strength, Sakura grabbed Hinata from Sasuke's evil clutches and started macking on the Huyga.

At that moment, Naruto woke up from his stupor and blinked. And blinked. And blinked some more. And when he was convinced that Sakura and Hinata really _were_ making out, and that they were both half naked and covered in syrup, Naruto promptly passed out again with another nosebleed.

As Sasuke rose to his feet and demanded that Sakura give back his "Princess," and Sakura punched Sasuke in the gut and called him a "Slut faced jerk nugget," Itachi and Kisame almost fell out of their perches in the tree from laughing too hard.

* * *

><p><em>an hope you enjoyed this installment! And see you next month-ish!_


	12. Chapter 12: What the Fuck Just Happened?

_a/n__ Well. Look who's back, writing crack fiction once again. Wings. You make me sick, Wings, you really do. You thought you were too good for writing crack fiction, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? Well, don't you think you've kept your faithful readers waiting long enough? You didn't want to publish this, did you; you said you were too whacked out from having a head cold and probably a fever too, but I say this only makes your crack fic more EPIC!_

_And so, patient readers, I present to you, the long awaited next chapter to OMFG. I have hijacked Wings' body, made her fingers type, and viola, fanfic update._

_Enjoy._

_Much love,_

_The Devil Who Lives in Wings' Subconscious Mind._

_:D_

_:X_

* * *

><p><em>Chapter 12: What the Fuck Just Happened?<em>

Temari pushed tendrils of blonde hair out of her face. She had run straight to Konoha from Suna, and then straight from the Hokage's tower to the Forest O Doom, along with Tubby, Bulimic, and Lazy-ass, otherwise known as Team Ten. Their mission: to warn Team Seven of the impending Kyuubi kidnapping.

Temari was exhausted, sweaty, and smelled like a pig, but that all paled in light of what was at stake here. If the Akatsuki got their hands on Naruto, it would mean the end of the world as they knew it; the mother fucking apocalypse; the shattering of the shinobi world—

"Shit, does anyone have any potato chips? I'm famished," cried Choji.

Ino punched Choji in the arm. "Is that all you can think of in a time like this? We're running so fast, my beautiful blonde hair is getting TANGLED!"

"Gods damned troublesome mission," Shikamaru grumbled. "If only we hadn't been at the Hokage's tower when the shit hit the fan…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU KONOHA REJECTS!" Temari shouted. "THE AKATSUKI ARE RUNNING LOOSE IN YOUR VILLAGE AND—"

"Shut up Temari," Shikamaru mumbled, "no one likes a shouter—"

Shikamaru was unable to finish his sentence; Temari took out her fan and whapped him over the head with the hard metal edge. "YOU WILL RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!" she roared, her blue-green eyes wild with fury.

Choji looked at Ino.

Ino looked at Choji.

"Yes ma'am," both Ino and Choji chimed in unison.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru muttered, rubbing his abused head.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?" said Temari, who apparently had a severe problem with the CAPSLOCK key. She raised her fan threateningly and growled low in her throat.

Shikamaru sighed. "Nothing. Let's go. Akatsuki and all that…"

Temari nodded her head in the manner of a pedantic teacher, and then team Ino-Lazy-Tubby-Temari bounded on through the outskirts of the village, towards the Forest O Doom and Gloom.

"Holy shit fuck," said Temari, "Do you guys hear that deafening noise in the distance? It sounds like a chorus of screeching harpies, an earthquake, and a slip-n-slide combined into one epic event—Doubleyou Tee Phhh?"

"What?" Shikamaru replied.

"Tch, Shika," said Ino, "as usual, you are clueless. She said WTF—as in, 'What The Fuck.' Wake up and smell the Kool-Aid."

"Kool-Aid?" Temari replied incredulously. "How outdated are your metaphores, Ino?"

"Bitch, you wanna go?" Ino spat. "I will totally—"

"Oh, it is so on, slut-face—"

"GIRLS!" Shikamaru shouted.

"WHAT!" Temari and Ino replied in stereo.

"Shut the fuck up," Shikamaru replied with a shrug.

Choji stepped away.

Temari and Ino cracked their knuckles.

A moment later, Shikamaru pried himself off of the cold, hard ground, his face decorated in pretty purple and red bruises. "Well that was troublesome," he muttered.

"Stuff it, Lazy-ass," Temari muttered. "We should go investigate the disturbance happening in the Forest-O-Death-And-Destruction—"

"Shouldn't we just get the ANBU?" Choji broke in. "How the hell are we supposed to defeat any Akatsuki members if we find them? We're the most useless ninja in the series."

"Speak for yourself, fat-ass," Temari grumbled. "I'm going on—"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?" Choji shouted.

Ino sighed and ran a hand through her disheveled hair. "Choji, come on, if you help us warn Naruto of his impending doom, I'll buy you a bag of barbecue potato chips."

Choji brightened at that. "You will, Ino?"

"Yes," Ino lied, smiling her brilliant, chemically whitened smile. "Now let's go, Team Ino-Shika-Cho-Tema!"

"Don't fucking add me on to your lame-ass team," Temari spat over her shoulder. "Come on, let's fucking go already!"

They got to the gates; Temari used the wind-power in her awesome fan to vault herself over the gate without breaking her stride. Shikamaru rolled his eyes and unlocked the gate with the key from his pocket. "Some people are such show-offs," he grumbled to himself.

"Hi-O, team Ino-Shika-Cho!" Ino called as she dragged her two teammates after her, running as fast as her skinny legs could carry her (which wasn't really that fast).

"Gods, you Konoha nin are so lame!" Temari called as she raced on ahead of the inept ninja. Even though she had just traveled for three days straight without eating, sleeping, or peeing (because she was a gods-damned ninja and she could do that kind of thing) she was still running faster than Team Ten, who were trying to comb through their hair with their fingers (Ino), grumbling (Shika), and chewing on the empty foil wrapper from a long-vanished candy-bar (Fat-ass).

They were nearing closer and closer to the sounds of the disturbance in the forest, when suddenly, an unidentified but seriously smexy voice called out, **"Love-Clusterfuck-No-Jutsu!"**

Time seemed to slow.

Pink and purple glitter shimmered in the air.

Tiny, bright green fairies buzzed in the air and tittered with laughter.

Temari stopped dead in her tracks. "What the hell was that?" she snapped, thinking either Shikamaru or Choji has said those words (though neither Shikamaru or Choji possessed such a smexy voice). The first person she saw was Shikamaru.

"Oi, Shikamaru, is it just me, or did you just become very sexually appealing in the last five seconds?" Temari called.

But Shikamaru wasn't listening; he was staring straight at Choji. "Hey Choji," he called, "I think I'm attracted to you…as more than a friend. This could be troublesome…"

But Choji was looking at Ino and flushing hotly, too flustered to say anything.

Ino stamped her foot and pointed a finger at Shikamaru. "Listen Shikamaru, you can't be gay, because I'm totally in love with you!"

"Bitch, Shikamaru is mine!" Temari huffed.

"Nu-uh, he was my friend first!" Ino shouted.

"Guys, I'm gay, I'm totally not into either of you."

0.o

Silence ensued after that. Ino looked at Temari. Temari looked at Ino. Then, an epic bitch fight between Ino and Temari ensued, a horrible blaze of jutsu, and gnashing teeth, and fingernails. A cloud of dust rose and obscured Temari and Ino from sight as they tried to rip out each other's throats.

"So, um…Choji…" Shikamaru muttered. "Would you want to maybe…make out with me?"

Choji crossed his arms and thought for a moment. "Though I'm currently under some kind of strange and inexplicable genjutsu to lust after women, the truth is, I'm super duper gay and I'd be happy to make out with you, Shikamaru."

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow. "Cool."

The two ninja commenced to sucking face, totally oblivious to the snickering coming from the two rogue, S-classed ninja in the treetops above their heads.

* * *

><p>Itachi and Kisame viewed the violent destruction that Itachi's genjutsu had wrecked on the hapless nin frolicking and fighting below them in the Forest-Of-Deathly-Hollows. Currently, the clearing was covered in vast swatches of chocolate syrup and whipped cream. Far from looking like an idyllic scene for a porn, it rather looked like someone had churned up a ton of mud and melted white goo into it. Also, the smell of whipped cream turning liquid and rancid in the noon-day sun was, to say the least, vile.<p>

"Itachi," Kisame muttered, "I think it's time to go in for the kill."

Itachi nodded gravely. "Yes. While my idiot kid brother is battling that pink-headed nut-job with the anger management problem for the right to court the shy but strangely crass and belligerent Hyuga, we should make off with the Kyuubi, who is currently passed out with an epic nosebleed."

"Oi—did you just say we should make-out with the Kyuubi while he's passed out? Geez, Itachi, I may be an evil mother-fucker, but pedophile I am not—"

"Kisame?"

"Itachi?"

"Shut the fuck up. I said we should make _off_ with the Kyuubi, not make _out_ with him. Just because you are a sexually deviant freak, don't project your tastes for underage jinchurikis on me—"

"Itachi, you fucking asshole!" Kisame shouted as he lunged for the Uchiha's throat.

Unfortunately, as Kisame landed on Itachi's branch, the poor bough collapsed under the fish-man's weight, and Itachi and Kisame came crashing down, right into a giant puddle of partially rancid chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

Sasuke and Sakura, who had been in the middle of beating the shit out of each other, turned and stared at who it was who had DARED to disturb them. Hinata, who hitherto had been pulled in two directions at once by Sasuke and Sakura, took this fortuitous moment to wrench her arms back into their sockets.

"Hark!" said Sasuke. "It is my evil, douchey, homicidal brother, whom I have sworn to slay! Why for did he fall out of the tree, and why for is he now covered in chocolate syrup?"

Itachi grunted. "This is unfortunate. I did not want to interact with you while you were still under my vaguely haxed and Shakespearian genjutsu."

"Brother!" Sasuke shouted, "I challenge thee to a duel!"

"Does this mean I get to make-out with Hinata now?" Sakura called.

"Sakura," Hinata replied, "even though you are a better kisser than Sasuke, I am forced by this unbelievable and trite genjutsu to love only Sasuke."

At this moment, Naruto—who, if you will remember, was tied to a tree and passed out from a very pervy nosebleed—regained consciousness. "Oi! What the fuck are Itachi and Kisame doing here? And why is Sakura making out with Hinata! What the fucking fuck fuck!"

"Alack," cried Sasuke, "Sakura, please refrain from kissing my beloved, or I shall bite my thumb at thee."

"Itachi," Kisame whispered to Itachi, "Why is Sasuke speaking like a douche-bag?"

"It is an unfortunate side-effect of the love-clusterfuck-no-jutsu," Itachi replied with a sigh. "I'm afraid that it mainly effects Uchihas who are caught under the jutsu."

"Ho-ho brother, for I have overhead your dastardly conversation, and ye, I shall better you for your evil jutsu!" Sasuke shouted.

"How the fuck did you just hear that?" Itachi demanded. "I was using my indoor voice."

"Ah, brother, you have forgotten that I have Sharingan _ears_ as well as Sharingan eyes!" Sasuke cried triumphantly.

O.0

0.o

"Itachi," Kisame whispered, "what the hell are Sharingan ears?"

Itachi sighed heavily. "It comes from my mother's side of the family…"

But the super evil bad guys had no more time to confer. Quickly, Sasuke made a series of hand-signs and called, **"Love-Clusterfuck-No-Jutsu!"**

"Noooooooooooo!" called Itachi.

"What the fuck?" grumbled Kisame.

Sakura and Hinata didn't say anything; they were too busy making out. Naruto, too, was silent, for he had passed out with another pervy nosebleed as he watched Saukra and Hinata.

Pink and scarlet glitter fell from the heavens, twinkling in the air.

The wind blew, rustling everyone's hair in a repetitious yet artful waste of time for about five minutes while the animators spent five minute's worth of their budget on bad porn.

Blue and green fairies came out of the trees, burped up psychedelic designs, then stole Naruto's orange M$M's.

Hinata pulled away from Sakura; Sakura pulled away from Hinata. Sasuke's mouth hung open in shock.

"Hark! I have never seen anything more beautiful than that blue-skinned devil over yonder!" cried Sasuke, in a terrible facsimile of Shakespearian English.

"Dude, I would severely like to tap Uchiha the elder's ass," Hinata called, placing her hands on her hips.

"Hmmm, I think I'm still in love with Hinata," Sakura cried, as if to herself. "Hey Hinata, wanna have a threesome with Itachi?"

"Hells yes I do!" Hinata squealed.

"Shit. Shit shit shit fuck," Itachi breathed. "Kisame, I think I want to make out with my little brother."

0.o

O.0

"I told you that you were gay," Kisame managed at last. "But I never knew you were gay for your own brother…you realize that's incest, right?"

"Technically, that would be UchihacestⓇ," Hinata quipped. "Yo Sakura, you wanna have a foursome with Itachi and Sasuke?"

"Kai! Kai! Shit fuck damn, KAI!" Itachi cried, but it was no use. He still wanted to make-out with his brother, which was morally reprehensible, yet somehow totally hot and thrilling for so many fanfic readers (Sasuke. I am your brother. I killed your/our parents. I want to have hot gay sex with you? WTF?)

"Quickly, Kisame, you must bludgeon me over the head and get me out of here!" Itachi shouted. "For Love-Clusterfuck-No-Jutsu is my most severely haxed and unbreakable genjutsu!"

"But what about the Kyuubi?" Kisame called.

"Forget about the Kyuubi, just get me out of here!" Itachi shouted. "Before I do something very, very disgusting, yet decidedly appealing to rabid yaoi fangirls!"

"You can't leave, Uchiha-sama! You were going to have a foursome with us!" both Sakura and Hinata cried in unison.

"Blue man, doth you wish to leave me here with this unrequited love?" Sasuke called.

Kisame shrugged, hit Itachi over the head with his sword, and threw the man over his shoulders. "Sorry kid. Genjutsu or no, my one true love is Itachi. See you later."

And with that, Kisame ran off through the forest. Sasuke tried to run after them, but he was stopped by Sakura and Hinata.

"Well, if we can't have Itachi…" Hinata began.

"I suppose Sasuke is the next best thing…" Sakura concluded.

"Stop! Cease and desist, foul wenches! For I am most truly homosexual! Gah!" Sasuke tried to protest, but alas, it was to no avail.

Naruto shook his head, slowly coming to consciousness. He blinked. Then blinked some more. When he saw Hinata, Sakura and Sasuke having a threesome in a mostly putrescent pool of melted chocolate syrup and whipped cream congealing in the noonday sun, he passed out with yet another epic nosebleed.

They were safe from the Akatsuki—for now. But HARK, in the distance, a legion of ANBU were quickly closing in on the Forest of Death, and at the front of their lines were Tsunade-sama, fearless Hokage of the Hidden Leaf, and Danzo, evil secret warlord with many an Uchiha eyeball embedded in his bionic arms.

What will happen when they come upon our heros, smothered in rancid dessert toppings? Where are Kakashi and Yamato? And where the fuck is Team Ino-Lazy-Lard-ass-Tema?

Find out…

**Right now!**

Tsunade and Danzo are going to be totally pissed; Kakashi is reading porn in the tower, totally oblivious to the so-called danger of Itachi's retarded genjutsu; Yamato is picking toe jam out of his funky feet; meanwhile, Temari and Ino have called a truce to videotape Choji and Shikamaru making-out so that they can post it on their youtube accounts, agreeing to split the advertisement revenue when their video goes viral.

Until next time!

* * *

><p><em>an lol, and now I take my cough syrup and go to bed. I love you all, sorry for the long wait, please review or I might cry T-T_

_and yes...I WILL UPDATE AGAIN! I swearz!_


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